Enhanced Games to ban clean athletes

Organisers of the Enhanced Games, which shoots up in Las Vegas on 24 May, have confirmed that any athlete found not to be using performance enhancing drugs will face instant disqualification.

Enhanced Games spokesneedle, Crystal Meths, snorted: “We don’t like cheats. No one does. We are taking every measure possible to ensure that participating athletes are using illegal substances. We have already banned some athletes from attending because they were found to have traces of fresh orange juice in their systems, the type with the bits in that you find in Little Waitrose and some of the larger stores too.”

She added: “The use of organic chicken and a mixed diet of fruit and vegetables is high on our list of banned substances. Their use gives athletes an unfair moral advantage. We will come down hard on any athlete found to be using any of these. Such behaviour is against the whole ethos of the Enhanced Games, which is about transparency, about bringing banned substances out of the darkness and away from shady exchanges in hotel car parks.”

The Games’ marketing director, Annabolik Steroyd, said new records are expected to be broken at the event. “Thanks to the use of a range of substances from cocaine to speed – especially speed – a 6-second 100m and a 2-minute mile are entirely possible.”

There is also excitement about enhanced costumes. Swimmers are expected to use dolphin suits, while high jumpers are allowed springs in their trainers which will make the 15m jump likely.

The rapping boxer MDMA will be the star of the opening ceremony when the Enhanced Games line of cocaine will be snorted on a giant mirror, closely watched by Mohammed bin Salman, leader of Saudi Arabia, the Games’ next host.

image from google gemini

Prince William sells off 20% of Cornwall-which is all of the pasty filling

The Prince of Wales is cashing in on the fact that a pasty is essentially a treasure chest where the treasure is edible and the chest is made of cardboard and sawdust. It’s the only food where the filling is the meal and the rest is concrete. The twenty percent represents all of the tasty part and the only recognisable section that be considered actual food—leaving us with a hollow shell of a crust, a bit like Prince Andrew.

Said a Royal spokeswoman; 'The crust isn’t there for flavour—it’s there to remind you life is hard before things get good. A Cornish pasty is a reverse sandwich, insofar as people like sandwiches. You don’t finish a pasty—you excavate it, abandoning the rubble.' The Crown expects to raise £500m with sale, which will be invested in a nice sausage roll from Greggs.

image from pixabay

High Street crime unit targets fancy dress shops fronting possible illegal activities

The government has begun an investigative into fancy dress shops run by moustachioed, fez-wearing shopkeepers.

An undercover operative, wearing a black lounge suit and bowler hat, left a house at 52 Festive Road, London, and visited a fancy-dress costume shop where he was invited to try on different outfits. He then left the shop, not by the front door, but through a 'magic' door at the back of the changing room and had adventures appropriate to his costume. When he returned to his normal life, he was often left with a small souvenir believed to be drugs, or an infectious disease. 

Officers would like to question the shop keeper but, as if by magic, he has disappeared.

The unit is also looking into a rental shop, believed to have 'ghost' directors, that is responsible for animal cruelty to a pantomime horse, and be harbouring a Russian national accused of spying named in documents as Miss Nadia Popov.

Image by Grok