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Honours system to be streamlined

The government has announced that it will act decisively and take difficult decisions to revamp the honours system.


A decorated spokesman (CBE, services to diplomacy, British Consulate in Barbados) said: 'There is a clear case to simplify the honours system. Anyone who wins Sports Personality of the Year will automatically get a gong. If they have vanquished the Germans or the French, then they are likely to be made a Knight or a Dame as well. Obviously, that would have to be in a proper sport, so not cheese rolling, bog snorkeling or darts.


'The Baftas are the same. Three Baftas usually get you an OBE, it's six Baftas for a CBE, and ten Baftas for a knighthood. If you've got a gold Blue Peter badge, done charity work or made political donations, then you'll be fast tracked.


'The government will put a new simplified system in place, combining all these awards to athletes, actors and celebrities. Awards to diplomats will be made in the basis of their length of service, taking account of any wars ended or started. We propose to cap these honours at no more than 800 a year. And awards to long serving lollipop ladies will be limited to seven a year.


'Finally, there will be no changes to the system for awards to MPs and party donors. The number of honours in these categories will remain uncapped.'



How did England cricketers get drunk on awful Aussie lager?


After reports of failing to hold their weak, tasteless so-called beer during the current Ashes tour, an investigation has been launched into the appalling drinking performance of the English cricket team.


Apparently, England have been totally outclassed by their hosts so far on this tour. Batters were battered and bowlers got hammered despite the lack of alcohol in the nation’s beverages, much to the amusement of the locals.


Critics point to the lack of preparation, saying that there should have been more acclimatisation of the players to the impotence of a gallon of Fosters. However, it has been pointed out that they didn’t waste too much time playing cricket before the First Test, so they should have been adequately prepared.


The investigation will look at the tactics employed by the Aussies, including the possibility that they over-pitchered their deliveries. However, it is considered that the England players should have been able to handle any volume of the watery amber liquid.


The report that Freddie Flintoff is to join the squad has not been confirmed.



Liz Truss to fight Anthony Joshua



Jake Paul, the influencer and amateur boxer, did not do well in his boxing match with Anthony Joshua. But canny political operator Liz Truss has noticed how much publicity the match attracted, and is now keen to fight Anthony Joshua herself.


Although Liz Truss has no boxing experience at all, she still fancies her chances. 'It's an all British match,' she shrieked with unaccountable gusto, 'It'll be EPIC,' she yelled, lapsing into upper case, just like her hero, Donald Trump.


Liz will need to secure financial backing for the fight. Some Tory donors are apparently quite keen. 'It would be well worth the money,' said one through gritted teeth.


Liz expects to make over a million from the fight, and could make more than twenty million by betting on herself to win. And the fight will get her a huge amount of free publicity. GB News leads the race for the TV rights. 'I can't use the BBC,' she said, 'I need this to be broadcast in America, too.'


'When I win,' said Liz, with a steely glint in her eyes, 'I will immediately challenge Nigel Farage to a fight. Then we'll see who's the Daddy.'



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