Rock groups to open up the Strait of Hormuz

An international coalition of countries has announced its audacious plan to get ships moving through the Strait of Hormuz again.

Instead of spending billions to defend the shipping lanes with warships, the coalition will pay famous rock groups and boy bands to escort the ships through.  The reasoning is that Iran would not risk harming K-pop bands like BTS, or iconic groups like Dire Straits.

A spokesman said, ‘Yes, the cost is enormous, but it’s still much cheaper to pay these bands to perform on container ships rather than calling in the military.  And it will be a lot cheaper and more environmentally friendly than firing off expensive munitions.  This way we can serenade all the ships in the Strait, keep things calm, and allow the flow of goods to and fro.’

BTS were one of the first groups to sign up.  Now that members of the band have completed their military service in Korea they are keen to see some real action.  ‘Yes,’ said one of the carefully manicured group, ‘we will be belting out our most famous hits and yes, we will be live-streaming it all, and yes, we will be plugging our latest merch.  We know that our global appeal will keep us safe.  No-one will dare to attack us.  We have millions of fans worldwide in every country. Any regime that harms us can expect cruel and unusual retribution for decades to come.’

Donald Trump has castigated the international coalition for ‘wimping out’ and ‘not having the balls to bomb things’ and for failing to sign US rock groups like Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, The Monkees, Metallica and The Beach Boys.

Image credit: perchance.org

Epstein slept in Tracey Emin’s bed

The convicted paedophile and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein slept in the artist Tracey Emin’s bed, the latest tranche of papers from the Epstein files reveals.

The new revelation comes as Emin’s retrospective opens at Tate Modern, featuring the iconic My Bed with its crumpled sheets and sea of detritus from Emin’s history – empty vodka bottles, condoms, overflowing ash trays, Polaroid selfies, period pants…. Some online sites say that Epstein’s face can be seen in the crumpled and stained sheets, like a disturbing Turin shroud.

The incident is alleged to have taken place in the early 2000s after the captain of one of Epstein’s luxury yachts entered the wrong coordinates into the yacht’s satnav system and the vessel followed the route to Margate not the Maldives.

The pair met in a local bar and Emin allegedly gave Epstein a tour of her studio. There is no conclusive proof that he slept in her bed, but he does say in an e-mail that he 'liked' the bed 'very much' and she should consider 'exhibiting it'. It is unclear whether the bed Epstein is referring to is any old bed, or the bed, the one that became ‘My Bed’ with its historic baggage listed above. But this is to be nitpicky and, frankly, ‘bedantic’.

The bed – My Bed – made its mark in 1999 when it was shortlisted for the Turnoff Prize and exhibited at Tate Britain. Nearly 30 years later it is being exhibited again, at Emin’s retrospective at Tate Modern. The timing of this latest Epstein revelation has led some to suspect that the Tate marketing team are behind the story.

Meanwhile, one can only speculate how Emin might have dealt with Epstein. 'So, Jeff, I want you to slip these weights around your ankles.' '[with excitement] Cool!' 'That’s good. And now we’re going to go for a walk to the end of Margate’s famous pier…'

Image credit: perchance.org

Oscars leads to world peace...again

Four hours of performative nonsense has managed to end all wars, but not in the way you expect. It's not the rampant narcissism we like, it's seeing the pretendy people sit through it and then lose. Their fixed grins and insincere applause are an absolute boon.

For every winner there is of course three losers, which satisfyingly means plenty of upset Hollywood elites. Those tears and tantrums have a calming property for normal people. Seeing their pain just makes everyone else feel happy. There is no human suffering that can match losing best song for the 17th time.

One director commented. "Someone suggested that seeing Timothée Chalamet humiliated was the world healing itself. That's not true - but it is funny."

Image credit: Wix AI