Investment firm advising footballers was 'winging it'

A group of former Premier League footballers say that they have lost tens of millions of pounds because of poor financial advice.

The footballers were advised by the Norton Briggs Group in the 1990s and 2000s.  The players lost amounts between one and forty-two million pounds each, although fortunately these losses can be offset against other profits for tax purposes.

We managed to corner Art Daly and Barry Lovejoy, who ran NBG.  They deny any wrongdoing and say that they were always on the ball. They told us: ‘At all times, NBG advised the footballers in good faith and set out the risks and opportunities both before and after any investment was agreed.  We back our advice 110% - front and centre.  We definitely expected to make a net profit.  We are surprised that our clients are now facing penalties.'

One footballer told us, ‘I wish we’d invested in bogus shares, or imaginary gold mines, or pretend vintage wines or NFTs or even the NFT, or dodgy real estate.  Any of those would have been a better story.  I don’t get any bragging rights from telling people that millions of pounds of my money was wasted on investments in top British football clubs, and that I got bugger all back.’

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Trump declares war on death

In a statement live from the White House, President Trump has declared war on his own mortality.

The declaration came as a surprise to officials, as the announcement was supposed to be a major pivot from Make America Great Again to Made America Great Again. But due to wayward deviations and a previously unsurpassed display of meaningless rambling, a declaration of war became the key takeaway.

All Americans over six years of age are to be conscripted to fight this great war, which must be won, and won quickly. It is unclear what the strategy will be, or what weapons will be deployed, but it will be the largest military undertaking since Operation Spearhead to locate his favourite hat.

American intelligence agencies have been tasked with finding out precisely what it is that can be used to kill death. Senior Generals have been placed on high alert, although there has been confusion as to what they should be alert for.

'Maybe some sort of intense Situation Room scenario?' offered Major General Randy Manner. 'And if it's anything like last time, orders from the Commander in Chief to bomb death with everything we've got.'

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Coming Soon: Stephen King’s Autumn Statement

Horror fans are eagerly awaiting the latest adaption by Stephen King, called ‘Autumn Statement’.

The film is a psychological thriller, in which an entire country is overcome by depression, gloom, despondency, and suicidal thoughts, all caused by a menacing and shape-shifting monster called the Autumn Statement.

Film critic and grossly overweight popcorn destroyer, Arthur Howse, is sure that the film will become a classic. ‘It scares the shit out of everyone. Young people trying to find somewhere to live or find a job. Young families who need childcare. Householders in big and expensive houses. Old people who need to eat, or keep warm. Farmers.  Motorists. This film scares all of them. I’ve seen it four times and I haven’t slept since.

‘The great trick is that the film threatens so many terrible things – bad things that will affect hospitals, banks, businesses, charities, sick people, healthy people, workers, students – everyone in fact. Hellfire, the Autumn Statement even threatens the dead – undermining their dying wishes and taxing them retrospectively, so that they can’t help their children and their dependents. It’s mental torture. And it’s brilliant stuff.

‘The tension is heightened because there is no way to fight the Autumn Statement. It’s a monstrous terror that lives in the shadows. It's everywhere.  It's all around you.  Everyone is talking about it, but no-one knows what to do.  If you think you can cope with one of its proposals, then two new terrifying ideas will immediately spring up to scare you rigid and keep you awake at night. The film promises you a slow and horrifying death, as your loved ones die around you from untreated illnesses, your possessions are slowly taken from you, you lose your job, all certainties about your future are undermined, and your money and assets are slowly drained away.

‘No one can defeat the Autumn Statement. There is no escape.

Editor's note: Autumn Statement is the fourth film in Stephen King’s ‘Black Economy’ franchise. The first three films are called Black Hole, National Insurance, and Winter Fuel Payment.  

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