Trump declares war on death

In a statement live from the White House, President Trump has declared war on his own mortality.

The declaration came as a surprise to officials, as the announcement was supposed to be a major pivot from Make America Great Again to Made America Great Again. But due to wayward deviations and a previously unsurpassed display of meaningless rambling, a declaration of war became the key takeaway.

All Americans over six years of age are to be conscripted to fight this great war, which must be won, and won quickly. It is unclear what the strategy will be, or what weapons will be deployed, but it will be the largest military undertaking since Operation Spearhead to locate his favourite hat.

American intelligence agencies have been tasked with finding out precisely what it is that can be used to kill death. Senior Generals have been placed on high alert, although there has been confusion as to what they should be alert for.

'Maybe some sort of intense Situation Room scenario?' offered Major General Randy Manner. 'And if it's anything like last time, orders from the Commander in Chief to bomb death with everything we've got.'

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