Elderly ladies saddened by Burning Nan festival cancellation

'I was looking forward to taking psychotropic drugs, dancing topless then ending it all on a huge conflagration' said Jean Smythe, 81 of Honiton, speaking from a sodden bonfire somewhere in the Nevada Desert. 'Now I wish I had spent the money on purple knitting wool, half an ounce of skunk and a ticket to Zurich.'

Mrs Smythe is one of the hundreds of disappointed Grandmothers who wanted to end it all in a blaze of suicidal glory in the desert at Burning Nan. Many of them are of the generation who attended the first Woodstock or Isle of Wight and older, and some are accompanied by devoted grandchildren.

Jerry Smithers, a first timer at BN said, 'I told my nan she'd get to see and possibly sleep with Brian Poole of Tremeloes fame if she attended, without explaining in detail what the climax of the festival would entail. She was disappointed but put a brave face on it, as that generation always does.

'But I'm gutted as not only have I missed out on inheriting a bungalow near Herne Bay and a Hillman Minx 2 door coupe in drivable condition, I also have to pay for the old girl's return ticket.'

It's thought hundreds if not thousands of nans will go unburnt in Nevada, and US President Joe Biden has been urged to send Mrs Biden to the region as soon as she has finished her jigsaw. Meanwhile, leading Republicans have labelled the refugee grandmas as 'thieves, pimps and murderers.'

Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash

New York rebrands itself in the wake of the Big Smoke

In response to the smog enveloping the Big Apple this week, New York has moved quickly to reduce further harm and reputational damage by changing the names of things.

A spokesman for New York Tourism said 'All meat sold in New York City restaurants is now smoked. Instead of 'I'm walking here' we shout 'I'm wheezing here'. It’s important to be honest with visitors to our great city about how the smoke is affecting things. Also, we’ll be much less likely to get sued'.

New names for landmarks include:

• The Empire Haze Building

• Grime Square

• Sootlyn Bridge

• Statue of Obscurity

• Central Murk

• The Cough-a-fella Center

In a further controversial change, the eagle in the City Seal will be replaced by Smokey Bear.

Further comment on the Big Smoke came this week from lesser-known Republican Presidential candidate, Ray Gindik, 'People are blaming Canada but we know the Democrats are behind this. It’s a ruse for them to steal your guns and make you watch Satan worship on CNN while you’re too busy coughing', he said coughing.

Image: https://stablediffusionweb.com/

Fulton County Jail in Alabama's new execution method - death by bed bugs

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