New game show to replace Jeopardy in USA

A bible reading from the Book of Epic Fury

And it came to pass that Israel, spoilt child of America, waxed exceeding wrath at the Persians and smote them with all the stuff that America had given them.

And lo, they slew the supreme leader, whereupon they and their sugar daddy Donald fell to gloating and cackling whilst amongst the chief Persians there was a wailing and a gnashing of teeth.

And then the Persians waxed wrath and smote all the countries around them which were America's allies - which wasn't the plan. Verily, it was not the plan at all.

Then the neighbouring countries waxed wrath at America and their batshit crazy leader Donald, saying unto him:

'Behold the state of these luxury hotels which the Persians smote in retaliation for you smiting them.

'Who in the name of arse is going to stay in them now? You've totally ruined our tourist industry, you demented monkey boy.

'Now sod off out of our lands and take all your naval bases and air bases with you. With friends like you, who needs bleeding enemies?

And Donald waxed wrath at this unintended consequence, and wailed and gnashed his teeth for forty days and nights on Fox News. But verily, he had no one to blame but his stupid self.

Here endeth the lesson.

2026 World Cup to have new exciting USA First Format

The tournament will be the first ever to feature 48 teams for the simple reason of extorting money from fans. It will be a very simple set up involving less than 1,000 games, starting with 12 groups of four. The top two teams in each group, plus the seven of best third-placed teams and the USA, will advance to the round of 32.

Iran have qualified for the 'extra bombing' round.

10 weeks later, after the 72 group stage matches are over we go to the knockout stage! It is only one match per day due to all the adverts. If any of the host teams lose in the first knock out stage then they will be given a 'mulligan' and automatically progress, as is tradition.

If a host team is knocked out during the second knock out stage, they will be eligible for Trumps Bonus 'Fight Fight Fight Again!' pass and replace a shithole country that didn’t deserve to even be there.

Due to long established FIFA rules, the winner of the FIFA Peace Prize, whoever that may be, can decide who progresses if a host nation loses by only one goal.

Instead of penalties the three host leaders will vote for the 'best' team to progress. As the USA is hosting the most matches, their vote is worth 3 and Mexico and Canada just 1 each.

There will be a break in early September, so matches don’t clash with the US Tennis open.

Any home team, apart from Mexico and Canada, has an 'Extra Life' which allows a rematch. During the tournament, passions will run high and therefore the Board of Peace will oversee the refereeing and all VAR decisions to ensure absolute FIFA quality fairness. If a team is doing particularly well, then they will be randomly chosen to be investigated by ICE, who will deport any top scorers.

The final will obviously have a guest referee, this year it could be Steve Witkoff, Jared Kushner or Kid Rock!

The prolonged format may mean the expected USA vs Qatar final being held at the end of October. Coincidentally just before the US Midterm elections. Which is just a lovely coincidence. How delightful.

President Trump is already looking after the trophy so that should keep the awards ceremony simple. Let’s play ball!

Image: Wix AI