Taylor Swift announces 12th break-up album

Swift has built a reputation as a prolific love tourist. She puts the hopeless into hopeless romantic. Her Tinder profile has been swiped more than a stolen credit card. And she has been through more young men than an Ukrainian recruiting officer.

This will be her 12th studio break-up. It follows her record breaking tour of dating apps – wooing over 1.2 million people worldwide. This included eight nights at Wembley Arena, where she speed dated the entire UK population.

She has won 14 Grammys but won the hearts of countless Grandads. Ironically the announcement was made on her current boyfriend’s podcast: “I didn’t want him to find out this way but we are never ever getting back together.”

Photo by Adam Przeniewski on Unsplash

Mr Benn and gone

With the recent and sad passing of Mr Benn, of Festive Avenue, London, funeral arrangements have needed to be made.

Mr William Benn leaves his dog, Eddie and gorilla, Gus behind.

Mr Benn's closest and dearest friend 'the Shopkeeper' has kindly agreed to provide a suitable outfit for his best, and possibly only customer.

The deceased's usual outfit of suit and bowler hat whilst suitable for the occasion belies his memory. Clown, Wizard, spaceman, zookeeper, cowboy, knight and balloonist were all tried but eventually the shopkeeper decided to dress him like Fred from the home pride adverts.

In his final outfit he leaves us through a magic door at the back of the world for his final adventure.

Jazz gig will start 'whenever we like, man... this is jazz!'

Jazz purists have insisted that to be considered cool, jazz gigs must no longer provide start times for shows because jazz 'doesn't begin or end, it just flows'.

The policy has attracted criticism from slightly less cool jazz aficionados who now have to use vibes to estimate where and when the gigs actually are. These main stream losers run the risk of being insufficiently smug, should they miss out.

'I thought I was listening to some really avant garde stuff' scatted one, throwing his beret to the ground in disgust. 'Turns out it was a homeless guy clinking bottles of meth off the side of a shopping trolley and yelling at pigeons. I listened for 45 minutes. To be honest, I prefer the guy's earlier, less commercial stuff.'

Photo by Dolo Iglesias on Unsplash