Misogynists nurse their fragile egos as England Women win Euros again

In an event that has sent shockwaves through pub corners and online comment sections across the nation, England’s women have once again lifted the UEFA Women’s Euro trophy, leaving a trail of confused and fragile male egos in their victorious wake.

“Football’s only coming home when we win it,” muttered 47-year-old expert-in-nothing Gary Thompson, while refreshing his timeline, hoping to see anything that might discredit the Lionesses’ historic victory. “It’s not proper football, is it? Where’s the slide tackles? Where’s the pub brawls? Where’s the VAR controversy so I can argue with strangers online?”

Sources confirm that a coalition of part-time YouTube pundits and full-time misogynists immediately convened to develop their latest coping strategy: redefining the word 'football' in real-time.

“Winning the Euros doesn’t count unless you’re diving, swearing at the ref, and clutching your hamstring every five minutes,” said Dave from Manchester, who once scored a tap-in during a five-a-side game in 1998 and has considered himself a tactical mastermind ever since.

Meanwhile, social media has been flooded with desperate attempts to downplay the achievement. Comments such as 'the goals aren't as good' and 'the men would beat them' poured in, as if that somehow negates the victory parade currently being planned through London.

One particularly distraught Twitter user even launched a petition demanding UEFA 'cancel the result because it’s biologically unfair,' citing zero scientific sources but a lot of feelings.

Psychologists have observed a sharp rise in cases of 'Selective Sports Interest Syndrome' — a condition where men suddenly become experts on women’s football solely to dismiss it. “It’s fascinating,” said Dr. Elaine Ward. “They've never watched a women’s match, but the moment women succeed, they develop encyclopaedic knowledge of why it ‘doesn’t count.’”

Meanwhile, the Lionesses responded to the outcry with a deafening silence, too busy admiring their second consecutive European trophy.

As England basks in a historic win, Gary and his fellow keyboard patriots have found solace in their final fallback argument: “At least we still have the darts.”

image from pixabay

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Israel plans to dominate Glastonbury in 2027

Benjamin Netanyahu watched the Glastonbury coverage this year with a growing sense of alarm.

He watched the coverage of Kneecap and Bob Vylan aghast. The crowd was a sea of Palestinian flags. There was not a single star of David to be seen. The mood was far from positive for Israel.

Bibi released that he had badly missed a trick. Glastonbury coverage is shown around the world, and his enemies had scored a massive PR victory.

And so Bibi has decided to create an Israeli supergroup that is so awesome and cool that the band will be a 'must book' for the next Glastonbury Festival in 2027. The musical genre has yet to be decided, but Bibi has suggested a mash-up of the musical styles of The Settlers and Dire Straits.

Bibi plans to build on Israel's four Eurovision wins. He is certain that, with hard work, practice, musical talent and some tactical interventions by Mossad, the goal can be achieved.

Bibi dreams of crowd-surfing at Glastonbury 2027, carried through a sea of Israeli flags. He is sure that the BBC's famed impartiality will help him to broadcast Israel's message of peace, hope, freedom and the obliteration of Gaza, around the globe.

Picture credit: perchance

Con artist to exhibit major series of collages

A new attraction, due to open at the Tate Modern in August, features the work of artist, Dick Scratcher, who specialises in collages of newspaper headlines and speeches from disreputable politicians. Mr Scratcher describes himself as a con artist, since he works through the medium of con tricks played on the public by politicians.

Among the works on display, will be 'Big Society', a montage of the Cameron years when the public was told the nation is all in the shit together, without explaining how the privileged would prosper beyond their wildest dreams; 'Brexitmania', a retrospective of the myriad promises that leaving the EU would definitely bring; and 'Never Give a Sucker an Even Break', a work showing the history of how NHS PPE supplies were deliberately run down, so a cabal of criminals could scam the nation out of billions of pounds with unusable protective equipment.

The Tate Modern is offering the public the chance to suggest a creative name for the exhibition, with entries closing on June 30, and says it is hoping for more inventive suggestions than 'Tory Scum', which is the best the curators could come up with themselves. A full list of exhibits, with a description of what they represent, will be published in due course.

Picture credit: deep dream generator