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Embarrassment over footage of man at Coldplay gig

A man was today hugely embarrassed at footage showing him in the audience at a Coldplay gig.


“Look, it’s not me,” he protested, as the footage showed him hiding his face the moment he realised he was on camera. “It’s just someone who looks like me. I’m in lots of photos with Jeffrey Epstein, that’s why I look familiar…


“Oh all right, it’s me,” he finally admitted. “But I only went because I’m having an affair with a woman at work, and she insisted. To be honest, it was a real wake-up call - until then, I was thinking we might have a future together.”


His wife has issued a statement saying she knew all about the affair, but seeing him at a Coldplay gig was the last straw and she’s now initiating divorce proceedings.



BBC sends Gregg Wallace to Gaza

In the wake of report which criticised the BBC for broadcasting a documentary about Gaza, and for its handling of allegations against the Masterchef presenter, it has decided to kill two birds with one stone by sending Gregg Wallace to Gaza.


”Never again will they be able to say we didn’t investigate the background of the person presenting the documentary,” said a suit today. “In this case, we knew with 100% certainty he was someone we wanted to put in harm’s way as soon as possible.”


Wallace’s first report from the war-torn region consisted of the chirpy slaphead commenting “Blimey, there’s not much grub about… I fought you lot was all into falafels or kebabs or summink?”


He then stumbled onto a food distribution point thought to be used as a killzone by the IDF, though the BBC were at pains to stress they only have Hamas’s word for that, unless you count hundreds of hours of footage of starving Palestinians being shot.


Wallace’s bodycam went dark soon after that, his microphone picking up last words that seemed to be something to do with his aunt’s fanny.


Meanwhile his Masterchef co-presenter John Torode was in trouble for a message he sent Wallace encouraging him not to let the “ragheads” get him down.



Librarian claims she was misled by Raynor Wynn over 'The Salt Path'

More allegations have been made against Raynor Winn by a 38 year old Librarian. Not only was she conned into forking out £!0.99 for the paperback, and recommend it to her book club, but she also filed it on the 'non-fiction' shelf at her library.


"After reading the latest reports on-line and in the newspapers, I feel betrayed" she said. "If I had wanted waste my money on a pack of untruths I would have chosen a Jeffery Archer book, or Liz Truss's autobiography".


"The whole thing has made me go Dewey Decimal eyed. An apology, and explanation, are long overdue".



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