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It's the quiet life for Grylls and Mears in new Saturday night primetime show

Following on from the seemingly endless procession of facile drivel masquerading as Saturday evening primetime entertainment ITV inflicts on the public, the broadcaster has announced a new collaboration between Bear Grylls and Ray Mears.


Bear and Ray's Big Night In will see the two survival supremos share a quiet night in together at a small terraced house in Oldham. Explaining the project to showbiz critics they seemed in good spirits. 'It's going to be great,' enthused Mears. 'We'll be getting a few cans from the off-licence on the corner, ordering in a nice tasty curry and then streaming something from Netflix.'


'Yes, that's right,' agrees Grylls. 'It's going to make a change from us going off into jungles and wildernesses on our own. And let's face it, who in everyday ordinary life is ever going to find themselves in such a pickle? Our shows to date are utterly removed from any vestige of reality when you think about it. We're stunned TV execs never spotted the mind-numbing pointlessness of the concepts before now.


'I mean the average chartered accountant or postman would never find themselves having to drink armadillo semen or use a pair of specs to distil nutrients from gorilla shit mixed with stagnant water to survive. Well... not unless they're rushed to their local A & E.'



Wicked Witch of the West faces backlash over disability defence

The former Flying Monkey Wrangler, Elphaba Thropp, is facing criticism from the Lollipop Guild and the Lullaby League after she appeared to link claims of misconduct she is facing to being green. She says , "Even Kermit admits it's not easy!".


Several dozen people have come forward to Newsbiscuit with allegations about Thropp, including her threatening to "use them as stuffing for a mattress and a beehive", both of which she denies.


In a statement this week the witch defended herself and also said she had recently been diagnosed with being green, but that The Wonderful Wizard of Oz had failed to "investigate my disability" or "protect me from what I now realise was a dangerous environment, namely a spooky castle surrounded by Winkie Guards".


Her friends say her condition means she can't wear underwear, and that this is "not ideal when you fly around riding on a broomstick". They add, " This is also partly to blame for her alleged inappropriate behaviour".


One Cowardly Lion told Newsbiscuit that being green is "not a free pass for bad behaviour, she's really mean". Other people. such as The Jolly Green Giant and The Incredible Hulk, live normal, fulfilling, useful lives without stigmatising the green community".


Dorothy, a spokesperson for Elphaba, tried to 'pour could water' on the situation, at which point the witch immediately melted away and disappeared.



Draper's demise - just who does he think he is?

After his disappointing exit from Wimbledon, sports journalists across the country are feverishly checking Jack Draper's genealogical records in an attempt to find any of his antecedents who weren't English.


Max Slyme from the Daily Mail said: 'We perked up when we found Jack had a great great great uncle Hamish on his father's side. We'd already come up with our headline - Dour Scot crashes out in third round - only to find out this Hamish was born in Thames Ditton.


'But you have to admit, it looks suspicious and has given us hope. We'll keep digging even if we have to go back to the Stone Age. There's got to have been someone born north of Hadrian's Wall in Draper's family tree. There must be.'



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