North Korea's 1966 World Cup win hoax is actually true

A North Korean news presenter declaring in a high-pitched voice, and with fervent pride, that their glorious nation had won the men's football World Cup in 1966 has, in a stunning revelation, proved to be a very real and absolute fact.

National flagship truth channel trusted by all, GB News, made the announcement yesterday evening, following a thorough, diligent investigation spanning 59 years.

The broadcast, which comes as something of a blow to England fans, was delivered in a sombre tone by national treasure and triple-gold-medal-winning sporting hero, Jacob Rees-Mogg:

'It is with solemn regret that it falls to this highly respected news anchor to inform you that England did not win the World Cup in the year of nineteen hundred and sixty six. A series of Westminster dictatorship governments, none more so than the current regime, misinformed the public in distasteful and desperate bids to generate national pride.

'Contrived falsehoods proposed as reality are now, finally, exposed by this award-winning programme. An unusual touchline discussion between referee and linesman did not take place. The ball did not cross the line. The World Cup itself was not stolen. A dog called Pickles did not discover the hallowed trophy wrapped in newspaper and discarded in a hedge.

'Any footage you may have witnessed was staged. There was no Geoff Hurst hat-trick. No crowd ran onto the pitch, thinking it was all over.

'The actual, true and very real winners were the upstanding and highly respected nation of North Korea. Good eggs, every last one of them, and we salute their Supreme Leader.

'Due to the great dishonour brought upon the country, England has humbly surrendered its use of the George Cross Flag, returning it back to Turkey. And Malta. And Portugal. And Georgia.

'In other news, which may be even more unpalatable to England fans, the Independent People's Democratic Republic of Scotland did indeed become world champions of Elephant Polo in 2005.

'Now over to Salman Rushdie with the weather.'

Picture credit: nightcafe.studio

Mission Impossible 9: The Multiplying MacGuffins

INTERIOR: DAY

A man sits at a desk, looking steely and determined. This is JIM. Another man enters. This is JOHN.

JOHN: Sir, we have a situation.

JIM: Any arrangement of people or objects is a situation. You’ll have to be more specific.

JOHN: I feel that’s unnecessarily pedantic, sir.

JIM: So noted. What’ve you got?

JOHN: It’s the MacGuffins, sir. They’re out of control.

JIM: Dammit, John, I didn’t go to film school. What the hell’s a MacGuffin?

JOHN: It’s the thing everyone in the movie’s trying to get hold of. The details are always a little vague, but basically if the bad guys get it, it’s the end of the world.

JIM: I see. And we’re the good guys?

JOHN: Well, this movie’s for an American audience, so yes. 

JIM: So what’s the problem?

JOHN: The MacGuffin's are multiplying, sir. There used to be just one per movie, but recently there have been two, three or even more. And not only do we have to get hold of them, we have to combine them in ridiculously precise ways to avert disaster.

JIM: We’d better call in the All-American Hero.

JOHN: He’s not available, sir, but we have the nerdy but likeable sidekick. Come in, Simon.

SIMON enters

SIMON: Good morning, sir. I’ve been looking into…

JIM quickly reaches into his desk drawer, pulls out a Glock and tries to shoot SIMON, who dives behind a sofa for cover

JOHN: Sir, what the hell are you doing?

JIM: Can’t you hear his British accent? He’s the bad guy!

SIMON: English, actually…

JOHN: No, sir, we’re letting Brits play the sidekick these days.

JIM: We are?

JOHN: For a few years now.

JIM: Dammit, why wasn’t I told?

JOHN: Anyway Simon, you were saying?

SIMON: It’s bad, sir. I’ve looked at the design of the bomb, which implausibly was available on the internet, and it seems to stop it going off we have to get hold of eight different things with ridiculous names and activate them all at exactly the same time. What’s more, one of the people doing it must be halfway up a mountain in the Andes, the second in a shopping centre in Milton Keynes, the third must be dressed in Swiss national costume, the fourth must be named Arthur but prefer to go by his middle name, the fifth must have been born on a Tuesday, the sixth must have a long-lost brother he never speaks to, the seventh must have reached at least Grade 5 in a woodwind instrument but given up playing it years ago, and the eighth must be a distant cousin of one of the others but not realise it. Well don’t look at me like that, I didn’t write the bloody script - I’d hardly have given myself such a pathetic and unrewarding part, would I?

JOHN and JIM collapse from the effects of the nerve agent SIMON surreptitiously released. He peels off his face mask, revealing that he is in fact the All-American Hero.

A-AH: Or would I?

Picture credit: Deep Dream Generator

Spaceship to recover lost TV episodes

Billionaire Tech Bro Jeff Bezos is planning to recover lost TV episodes from space.

He claims that TV programmes originally broadcast in the fifties and sixties, for which no recordings exist, ‘can be recovered from space’.  The theory is that the original broadcast signals are still travelling out in deep space and that, if you have a fast enough spaceship, then you could get ahead of the signals in time to record them for posterity.

Blue Origin is building a new and super-fast rocket that will be able to find and record lost episodes of Dad’s Army, Hancock’s Half Hour and Steptoe and Son.  The company also hopes to recover some old American TV programmes, but who cares about those?  Blue Origin is offering to find and record the old shows as an important service to humanity, but also to boost audiences on Prime TV, as it’s cheaper than making new shows.

‘These sitcoms are enormously important records of British culture in the 1960s,’ said a spokesperson who hardly looked 19, never mind 60, and clearly knew nothing about old British TV classics.  ‘Modern technology can recover these lost programmes and monetise them for future generations.’

There are rumours of a deal with the BBC that will allow the recovered shows to be broadcast in Britain for free, in return for the rights to re-broadcast them around the world on pay TV.  Who knew that the BBC could be that savvy?

A spokesman for Jeff Bezos reiterated the importance of the mission. ‘The jokes may not have aged well. The jokes could be racist, misogynist and anti-trans.   But a little controversy never hurt sales, so we are happy to rescue Britain once again – this time by saving their beloved, low-budget, and funny-for-reasons-that-Americans-don’t-understand TV sitcoms.’

Image credit: deep dream generator