Starmer refuses to back down from speech gaffe and forms Sausage Rescue Force

After calling for the return of sausages held captive in Gaza, the Labour leader has doubled down and formed a rapid response meat tube recovery task force. To be based in Cumberland or Lincolnshire this team will be formed from well-seasoned veterans, probably thyme and sage.

They will be Tesco’s Finest, this is not just a Sausage Rescue Force, this is an….well anyway. This group will be an Asda Extra Special Air Fryer Service and can be ready in 15 minutes under a medium grill.

They will only be deployed under a wurst case scenario, going in with flash bangers and mashing the enemy.

image from pixabay

Labour to set up mugging squads to boost public finances

"Some people may object to having their cash confiscated at knife point," said a masked Treasury spokes-robber in a public information broadcast, "but you all want better public services without paying any more tax, so you've left this Labour government with very little choice about how to balance the books.

"Starting from midnight tonight, specially-trained civil servants will be lurking in alleyways throughout the UK, armed with Stanley knives and wearing balaclavas, to snatch supplementary taxes from random passers-by.

"The biggest challenge we had was to teach these paper-pushers to scarper with the loot rather than ask their victims to fill out financial release forms in triplicate.

"You are forbidden to resist being mugged by His Majesty's Tax Assailants, or let your dog bite them on the backside.

"You may consider this an inhumane way for Labour to levy extra revenue, but we say it's social justice in action. People rich enough to walk around with money in their pockets will have to hand it over. The stony broke will be exempt.

"And don't forget that proceeds from this imaginative scheme will go to the NHS - which some of you will be needing after we've mugged you.

"Besides, how can you stop us?" sneered the spokes-Starmerist. "We're in charge for the next five years and we'll do whatever we like to you."

image from pixabay

Newsbiscuit contributor – ‘A moment of madness'

A tearful Robowurzel announced last night that he was considering stepping back from contributing to Newsbiscuit – allegedly a top 10 (of something) in the world of satire.

He blubbed: 'In a moment of madness, okay actually about three years, I have been posting tasteless, puerile, politically, grammatically and punctuationally incorrect material that hopefully someone would find offensive. However all that resulted was a few ‘likes’, but mostly silence.

'I realise I have let myself down. But more than this I have let down my family, my friends (not that I have got many), the postman, the dog next door, Boris Johnson and others too few to mention.

'Unfortunately news of my shame has spread. The BBC has approached me to ask if I would be interested in becoming a football pundit. I pointed out that I hate the sport and know nothing about it. In response they offered to double my salary.'

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