Scalextric range of Battlebus vehicles in high demand

Hamleys are reporting record queues as children and their dads hope Christmas will come early for them if they can get their hands on a set of Scalextric battlebuses to bring some excitement into what promises to be a somewhat mediocre election campaign.

We sent a work experience reporter to Hamleys flagship Regent Street store to check out how the battlebuses perform on the test track the store had set up. He told us that everyone wanted to play with the red Labour one, because it was bound to win, that the blue Tory one moved at the speed of a hearse and that nobody could work out why the satanic dark Reform UK one would only go backwards.

The orange Lib Dem bus had a tendency to change track all the time and the Green Party was represented by a group of protesters placed at random positions on the track to slow the race down.

A spokesbrat for ToyszoWus told Newsbiscuit of their disappointment that Scalextric hadn’t introduced the battlebus range before they went bust as it may have saved them.

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Woman thought to be having stroke “was just speaking Welsh”

Paramedics called to attend to an old lady in Shrewsbury today were baffled that, despite confused and disordered speech, she wasn’t showing any other signs of having had a stroke.

”It was bizarre,” said Mike Oldham. “Her face hadn’t fallen on either side, and she could raise her arms above shoulder height, once she understood we were asking her to do that. Yet her speech was slurred and made no sense at all.

“It was only when I saw the webbed fingers and hairy feet that I realised she was Welsh. I sometimes forget how close we are to the border - they do occasionally make it across.”

It’s thought the woman may have become confused by the tall buildings and electric lights in Shrewsbury, causing her to trip and hit her head. However, once she came round paramedics were able to ascertain that, aside from being Welsh, there was nothing wrong with her at all.

The Welsh government issued a statement following the woman’s safe return to her home in Llareggub. Unfortunately, we’ve no idea what it was.

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Ofsted 'one word' assessment to be randomised

The school inspection body has announced that it will be continuing its one word assessment rating, but, in deference to recent criticism, this word will now be arbitrarily selected from the Oxford English Dictionary.

Inspectors will be instructed that the selected word should offer no hint of a judgemental call : so positive, or negative, descriptors will be replaced by vegetable names, cloud types, architectural features or whatever whimsy may scamper through the assessors mind at the time.

A trial run out of this policy has resulted in St. Robnolds Infants School, Penge being assessed as 'tourmaline', whilst the neighbouring Bryden Academy is now rated as 'exfoliant'.

Whilst this new policy will reduce levels of anxiety and stress within the industry and eliminate all those gaudy banners now seen hanging on school railings, it should also play merry hob with families playing the catchment area game, who will now have to rationalise between Ofsted ratings of 'ormolu','distillate' and 'plinth'.

author: FlashArry

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