Lib Dems “forgot to produce manifesto for London Mayoral candidate”

There was embarrassment at Lib Dem headquarters today as it was revealed no one had bothered to write a manifesto for their candidate for London Mayor.

“Look, there’s only so many hours in the day,” said harassed party worker Jeremy Sandals. “There’s only enough money for a couple of full-time staff, the rest is done by volunteers, when they can fit it around their work for the Crafts Council and the Vegan Society.

”So naturally we tend to focus on things that seem worth doing. Council elections, for example, since we do win the occasional seat, and general elections of course.

”But London Mayor? The most we can do is split the liberal vote and let the Tories in, so we don’t really bother.

”All the same, we ought to go through the motions, so it’s a bit embarrassing we didn’t even write a manifesto this time. I’ll be looking into what went wrong, as soon as I get a spare moment.”

Pressed for more information, Sandals admitted he didn’t even know whose name they’d submitted as a candidate. “Bloody hell, it’s not me is it?”

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New UK Prime Minister is David Tully from Rochdale

An unknown independent candidate who only entered a Rochdale byelection race 4 weeks ago has swept to victory, claiming the top job at Number 10.

Trouncing the Conservative candidate, but finishing second to a cat, means that David Tully is automatically installed as Prime Minister according to the new rules of UK democracy applied by the Tories to install Rishi Sunak.

Sunak himself also finished second in a vote, but when it was realised that he had been beaten by a rotting salad, a swift and sneaky change of the rules meant that he was allowed to take office and run an entire country.

The total number of votes received by Rishi Sunak in order to become Prime Minister is disputed. Those who were initially supposed to vote, got it bed-crappingly wrong, so their vote was ignored, along with the votes of their dead pet pangolins. Then when it was decided that only close chums who might get a cushy job from Rishi were allowed to vote, they just about managed to squeeze him first past the post in a one horse race.

But now David Tully has received an amount of actual real votes, and thousands more than Sunak did to be handed the job while also not coming first, then it is simply new unwritten constitutional law that he is automatically installed as Prime Minister.

As an inexperienced independent, no one is quite sure what David Tully stands for, or what his key macroeconomic policies on fiscal recovery might be. Politically, however, this makes him no different than any of the last 73 Conservative Prime Ministers since the word 'woke' was redefined.

image from pixabay

writer: SteveB

Man certain Trump lost in 2016, doubly certain about 2024

'Oh no,' he said, 'it's inconceivable. At my dinner party, last night, not one person said they would vote for him.' Asked if his dining guests were a representative sample of the whole of America, he looked blank. 'You mean the chef?'

Some point to the fact that Trump is indited on multiple fronts and very rude, as reason he would lose. While others point out that Trump is indited on multiple fronts and very rude, and is currently ahead in every poll. Likewise working class voters feel abandoned by Biden: 'At least when Trump abandons you, you get a decent divorce settlement'.

Senior Democrats do not understand why Joe Biden is proving so unpopular, given he is supporting genocide and is 120 years old. His 'I'm not Trump' policy, only really works if you actually try to not be like Trump. Yet one strategist remained optimistic: 'A Trump win is not inevitable, for that you would need Hilary Clinton.'

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