Woman who married herself poses dilemma for church and parliament

A 42-year old spinster who decided to marry herself rather than spend the rest of her life on the shelf, has posed an interesting dilemma for churches and parliament, as now that her story has reached the news and the public now know she’s not a spendthrift, but someone who amassed a few bob, she has received plenty of marriage offers.

Because British law forbids polygamy, none of these offers can result in marriage, unless parliament decides whether single people are allowed to divorce themselves.

The church meanwhile, will need to consider whether it can morally marry a woman who broke the marriage vow she made to herself.

Newsbiscuit understands from the woman’s friend, that prior to marrying herself, the intention had been to marry a dildo she won at bingo, but on discovering it had been modelled from the penis of a now trans man, didn’t think she could suffer the trauma of being let down, if it transpired the dildo had inherited the trans gene.

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Cost of living crisis sparks dramatic rise in middle-class passive aggression

Increasing reports are coming in from prominent middle class areas that the rise in the cost of living has caused a huge rise in incidents of passive aggressive behaviour. We sent a team of reporters into a Surrey suburb to find out what's happening. They spoke to a number of victims that we will not name as they asked for anonymity (private school exams coming up, they didn't want to be seen as troublemakers).

"We all have to tighten our belts these days," said Pamela, 42), "I've switched from premium brands to the Waitrose select range. People have been literally giving me sympathetic false smiles when they look in my trolley. I've had 3 drive-by tuttings this month alone." She went on to explain how she hurries away from drop-off at her son's prep school as she doesn't want to tell them which private school he's going to, "It's one of the cheaper ones. I mean their school trip is only to Costa Rica to work in a Monkey hospital for god's sake". It was heart breaking seeing her breakdown.

Another frazzled Mum told me of the reductions in the Fortnum's Pate range and the complete breakdown in artisan charcouterie supply. She had to ask her daughter to eat her packed in the school toilets as they only had store bought sliced prosciutto on sourdough in the house. They no longer even try to find Madelines or Pain au Chocolat, it's hopeless. She told me that even a Costa Coffee had opened on the high street.

"It'll be a Sainsbury's Express or something next", she told me, "we'll have to move Hampshire or something."

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'I've already got Christmas sorted', claims smarmy git

An insufferable bastard has already paid for, wrapped and planned a wonderful Christmas, he has revealed to family and friends.

With each gift lovingly considered and bought way back in September, James Stubbs, from Surrey, claims he "could have Christmas tomorrow" if needs be, suggesting that men who plan Christmas last minute should reconsider their priorities.

"I don't get the hostility from fellow husbands and dads out there, it's not like I'm making them look bad", said the 38 year old, who already has a heart-meltingly wonderful Valentine's Day 2024 nailed.

"I guess I just care too much. Is that a thing, caring too much? Perhaps it is".

Not everyone was impressed, however. "I'm sick and tired of him making the rest of us men look bad, I do my best!" said frustrated neighbour, Nigel, who last year did all of his shopping on Christmas Eve at the Esso petrol station.

"I'm absolutely certain my wife said needed engine oil and new wiper blades. I did buy her a Kit-Kat Chunky too."

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author: benjani