Man found guilty of not understanding jewellery

Bow magistrates court has sentenced David Redding, 34, to four months community service after he pleaded guilty to not understanding jewellery. 'I get women like to wear earrings,' he said after the verdict, 'but don't understand why they have to have more than one set,' he added. His girlfriend, Jemma, made a complaint to the police, who ironically put the bracelets on Redding, when he failed to buy her jewellery for the fourth consecutive birthday since they moved in together. 'A spray can of WD40 for my creaking cupboard doors just doesn't cut it, I was like 32 and everything,' she said to reporters.

Redding was also convicted of not understanding female clothing sizes. 'I always assumed the number related to the weight in stones,' he said, admitting his one token attempt at buying Jemma a dress backfired disastrously. 'OK, I'm not very good at guessing weight either,' he admitted, pleased that the sentence was to run concurrent with the first one.

A third charge of not understanding colour coordination was dismissed when Redding offered his colour blindness in mitigation. He left the court sullen, dressed in a grey suit with brown shoes and red socks. 'I'm not really colour blind,' he admitted after the verdict, 'it's just what was next in the wardrobe and in my sock drawer.

image form pixabay

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Ugly Missing Children to feature on Soya Milk Cartons

Each year, there are reports of 100,000 missing children. This staggering figure may come as a shock to many of us who can only recall a few names and faces. However, this is no coincidence. Media organizations tend to be selective in which cases they feature, often giving more attention to photogenic victims in order to capture public interest.

This leaves camera-challenged youngsters at a stark disadvantage. A spokesperson from the Centre for Missing and Exploited Children commented on this imbalance, stating: “We have to be discerning when it comes to choosing which pictures we get out there. Journalists are looking for chiclet smiles, dimples, a face that tugs at the heartstrings. No-one wants to be looking at an ugly child over breakfast.”

Enter Soymil, a plant-based beverage manufacturer with a revolutionary idea to balance the disparity of media exposure for missing children. “If our customers can stomach soya milk then they can stomach the fugly kids,” the company’s brand manager tells us. “It’s unlikely that these uggos have been kidnapped by paedophiles—unless they have really off-beat predilections—but they might still be in trouble.”

Concerned parents Abigail and Oliver Taylor were the first to be selected for the campaign. “Knowing that there are people out there still looking for our Timmy warms my heart,” Mrs. Taylor says, her eyes welling with tears of gratitude. “Our local newspaper didn’t want to run the story on account of Timmy’s homeliness. It was so frustrating; he’s such a distinctive-looking boy, if you saw his face, you wouldn’t forget it.”

“We were sure Timmy was being held ransom at first,” Mr. Taylor interjects, his arm wrapped tightly around his wife’s shoulder. “I wondered if the kidnapper thought we were rich or something. When days passed and we heard nothing, my mind started to wander to dark places. I wondered if organ harvesters had taken him—the doctors said that they’d never seen a spleen like his before—or that he’d been snatched by an opportunistic sideshow ringleader. His hunch has always drawn a lot of unwanted attention. I’m kept awake at night with thoughts of him being pelted with rotten fruit by jeering townspeople.”

image from pixabay

Deposit-free mortgages to be replaced by house-free mortgages

The scheme will plunge you into ten of thousands of pounds worth of debt, without the hassle of having to own a house. Mortgage-owners will then have the freedom to live where they like, provided they like ditches. Although banks have warned that failure to make your payments will mean repossessions and ‘steps will be taken’.

Some economists have warned of a steep rise in the cost of ladders, with a single rung -based in London - going for half a million. Explained one lender: ‘The easiest way to help people onto the housing ladder is to remove the housing. Then all you need to do is find a ladder. Which we can loan you at competitive rates. Then, after fifty years of repayments, you will then own a ladder. A very old ladder. But you’ll be at the top of that ladder and you should be able to see some houses from there.’

image from pixabay

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