Proud alien parents want "Stonehenge back to pin on fridge door"

Aliens from the Andromeda galaxy, Mr/s and M/rs Ommaen Scrielzex, have caused furore in the archaeological, ancient monument and tea towel communities by contacting the government saying that Stonehenge was, in fact, their son/daughter's first project at play school and they'd like it back to attach to their awe-inspiring fridge door.

"We understand that in your puny Earth time, it is thousands of years old, but little Naukruils made it yesterday in our dimension and dropped it from his satchel on his way to the school intergalactic travel portal."

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Isle of Wight condemns ‘provocative’ balloon airspace violation

Tensions remain high in the Solent region today following the detection of a balloon flying over the island.

An Isle of Wight Department of Home Defence spokesperson briefed reporters.

“Yesterday our Advanced Early Warning System – Cowes Neighbourhood Watch – reported an object subsequently identified as a balloon illegally entering our airspace. It was tracked as it travelled inland, passing over a number of sensitive garden centres and charity shops sowing panic and confusion amongst the (mostly elderly) customers.

We debated whether to shoot it down but there was concern that this might cause collateral damage when it landed. Unfortunately also none of our weapons could reach the great height at which the balloon was flying – estimated to be well in excess of 100 feet.

The issue was eventually resolved when the string underneath the balloon got tangled in the branches of a conker tree just outside Shanklin. After a lengthy health and safety risk analysis, leading fireman Barney McGrew of the Island Fire & Rescue Service volunteered to climb the tree and retrieve it.

The balloon is now under investigation in our forensic laboratory. It has a picture of an evil-looking character with a name of Ronald McDonald. We suspect this has something to do with the power struggle underway on the mainland within the People’s Republic of Hampshire. We have already made a formal complaint about this provocative action to their ambassador.”

A People’s Republic of Hampshire spokesperson responded.

“The peace-loving People’s Republic utterly denies this outrageous slur. The research balloon was accidently released by a young party member outside one of our healthy and nutritious proletariat street canteens. We shall utterly crush the capitalist lackeys, hyenas and running dogs of the illegal breakaway Isle of Wight in due course. We plan to mobilise our invincible armed forces to invade – once we have bought the ferry tickets and the railway strikes are settled."

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Dysfunctional jam factory unable to guarantee jam tomorrow

A production manager at a factory exclusively making fruit-based preserves, but where none of the equipment is working, has been criticised for his constant jam and time based promises.

After yet another serious mechanical breakdown, Mike McBride, 57, called everyone together for a briefing to let them know his hopes for production the following day.

One disgruntled worker said 'I'm sick of his empty promises. And these empty jars. And our soon-to-be empty pay packets.'

'That's a bit unfair', retorted McBride. 'Its unfortunate that our production output today has not been in line with expected targets, but if the machines get fixed, I remain hopeful of delivering some preserve-based products in the forthcoming 24-hour period.'

The criticism caps a difficult few months for McBride who lost his last job as a manager in factory making meat products wrapped in pastry for airlines. His production targets were dismissed as 'pie in the sky'.