Missing Village Idiot tipped to be next PM

The sleepy village of Chims on Lea Shropshire, has issued an urgent appeal following the sudden disappearance of its resident village idiot. Brian Dempsey, Chair of The Parish Council said: ‘We’re quite worried, as Liz is nowhere to be seen. One minute, as per usual, she was sitting on a wall with a straw in her mouth, pointing at the aeroplanes mumbling about cheese quotas and squawking like a demented crow, next thing we hear a rumour she’s up in that there London, talking about politics.

‘It’s a worry as she’s a simple soul but completely unsuited to anything other than stamp collecting or raffia work. If anyone knows her whereabouts please let us know immediately.’ Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Tory Party commented. ‘I think Liz has the credentials to make a fist of turning the party’s fortunes around.

‘She’s innocuous, dizzy, rather slow on the uptake and as thick as two short planks. With any luck she’ll turn out to be a rabid racist too and when this is incontrovertibly proven, then our ancient and reactionary octogenarian membership is sure to install her as the next PM.’

Crow Night Gruesome - Free image on Pixabay

Slut-shame nightmare of newly naked Lincoln Cathedral

A week after the scaffolding which has protected its blushes since 1983 was removed, Lincoln cathedral has been accused of betraying the Sistine-hood, promoting sluttiness as next to Godliness, and “basically asking for it, the slag”.

‘You can’t win,’ complained the magnificent 11th century edifice. ‘For nearly 40 years bully-boy basilicas like Canterbury and Winchester have accused me of priggishness, while flaunting their own flying buttresses and rounded apses to the world. Well, four decades of sweaty-fingered architecture students fiddling with your entablature and fingering your cupolas in the name of “cleaning” feels more like purgatory than purity, let me tell you.

‘Now I’ve been defrocked, I’ve had nothing but lewd tweets about my magnificent West front, while Mumsnet have accused me of corrupting school parties with my Romanesque grotesques. And those mortar-addled masons undressed me with unholy haste: the weather might be warm now, but in a few weeks I’ll have nippy colonnades and goose-pimples right up my pilasters.’

Rumours are circulating that Tom “you can leave your Tugendhat on” and Grant “crotchless” Shapps are locked in a bidding war to have naked images of themselves “accidentally” projected onto the cathedral to highlight their back-to-basics credentials. This has been denied by the cathedral, whose spire was the most prominent erection in the Western world until it collapsed in a shower of lumber and hubris in 1547; a trajectory faithfully repeated by Boris Johnson.

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70s patio listed as UNESCO World Heritage Site

An excited historian confirmed: ‘It’s been untouched by weedkiller or human hand for generations. It’s the most preserved example of brutalist architecture we have, outside of Slough. And at solstice time. druids will gather around to have a BBQ and a quick nap on the hammock. Yes, it may be grey, mouldy and uneven – but so is Stonehenge’.

Nobody is sure who the original builders of the patio were, but preserved artifacts suggest it was a cro-magnon builder, who smoked non-filtered cigarettes. Likewise, it’s purpose is lost, but many think that it was the roof of a burial chamber for a dead cat. The historian said: ‘It’s not uncommon for the God of Cement to demand a rockery or garden gnome stand guard over the structure. And birds would often smash snails upon it as sacrifice. What I would say, is whoever lived here, were certainly primitive’.

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