Council transfers all its roads and potholes to a community trust

West Bessen Council has taken the unusual step of transferring all of its roads and potholes to a community trust. The trust will be responsible for the upkeep of the roads, setting speed limits and managing parking restrictions.

A council spokesman said, 'This deal is good for the council and the community. We transferred our libraries to a community trust years ago, and they are all thriving. We replaced all those expensive librarians with lots of lovely, low-cost volunteers. And the community has done a great job looking after the library buildings. They are always ready with the plastic sheeting when heavy rain is forecast.

'We transferred responsibility for our sports centres to a community trust too. Now you can play badminton and short mat bowls all night if you want to. The community has found a way to extend the opening hours so that people can exercise around the clock. I believe they do this by leaving the key under the mat. There have been some concerns about people exercising alone, but these days everyone has a mobile, so it's not really a problem any more.

'So we have high hopes for our new way of managing roads. The road maintenance bills were very high and we think that volunteer road menders will be able to keep costs to a minimum. The council is selling its Stop-Go boards to the trust, so they will be fully equipped.

'We will finally be able to pass all those complaints about potholes, road markings and debris to someone else. And the trust will have to adjudicate on all those ghastly local parking issues. I can't tell you how pleased we are to get shot of all that. Actually, I can tell you. I'm telling you now. We are very pleased to get shot of all that. And you can quote me.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Library

Wales seeks reparations from First World

Wales has called on the First World to do more to help it with the growing climate emergency.

'It’s not like we’re causing the problem,' sang a Welsh spokesman in an uplifting baritone. 'There’s bugger all heavy industry in Wales these days. Cars can’t go above 20mph. Beyond stopping the sheep farting, I don’t see what else we can do.'

'Yet clearly we’re bearing the brunt of what I’ve decided to believe is climate change - rather than, say, the weather in Wales always being crap - since that opens the door to truckloads of compensation.'

He went on to say the First World must do more to help the Global South, even those parts of it which aren’t actually in the southern half of the globe.

'It’s galling to think that just a few miles away in England they have electricity and inside toilets, while we suffer like this. Some say the answer is to be more like English, and couples shouldn’t be related until they get married. But I think that’s a slippery slope - before you know it, we’ll have more than five different surnames.'

Image: TheDigitalArtist - Pixabay

Orange Order Holding Open Auditions

In order to arrest falling numbers, and ensure marching season in 2025 doesn't look like a group of friends on a summer stroll, the Orange Order yesterday held open auditions to find the next group of people who'll don the famous bowler hats and ensure the future of blocking traffic across Northern Ireland.

Outside the event, Gavin Campbell paces the floor nervously. He knows once he's inside, he's got 60-seconds to impress the judges and show his skills. "It's always been a dream to wear the orange sash," he told us as he collected himself for the audition. "I'm hoping my ability to keep a stony expression and my perfect timing get me through to the next phase. That's when we know if we'll just be in the crowd of marchers, or given a front-line job like holding a sign, or beating a drum."

Greg Bradley, head of the judges, says it's really tough to cut people from the process. "Ultimately, it's awful," he tells us. "We don't want to do it, but it's important we find the right kind of person to wear the uniform and march like our fathers and grandfathers did. We advertised that it's suitable for everyone, but we were secretly glad to see that the only people who turned up were good honest white protestant Ulstermen."

Back outside and Gavin is overjoyed to get through the tough first round. "They loved my marching," he said, "and my head staying forward, even when they threw a rock at me. I'm already preparing for the next round where we've got five minutes to sell ourselves, I've already sketched up a mural that'll blow their socks off!"

image from pixabay

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