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Who's started a new family tradition



The Cooke family from Redcar have boldly established a new tradition for Saturday night.


Every Saturday, at around 6.30pm, the family gathers in the lounge, in front of the television, to celebrate their new tradition of Not Watching Doctor Who.


‘We always used to watch Doctor Who together,’ says Mum, Alice. ‘But the show has gone right down the pan. It hasn’t really been any good since Matt Smith. Peter Capaldi was borderline OK. Jody Whittaker was bad. Ncuti Gatwa, I think, is pretty good. But the whole show is let down by really terrible writing, and by a dim-witted reliance on expensive special effects paid for with Disney money. The BBC has sold out. Russell T doesn’t care any more – he’s only doing it because he gets such a big paycheck.’


Daughter Kylie agrees. ‘The stories are rubbish and they are all the same. A monster does bad things to lots of people, ideally a whole planet or a whole galaxy. Doctor Who turns up, runs around a lot, waves his sonic screwdriver, and fixes things in a way that makes no sense at all. The monsters are all boring ones brought back from when Doctor Who was in black and white, but tarted up a bit.


Dad, Colin, complains that the whole show is just intergalactic wokery. ‘I’ll be impressed when we have an alcoholic doctor. Or when Doctor Who eats bad food on an alien planet and has to spend the whole episode in the toilet. That guy never eats – how does he do that?


‘Actually, I agree with Mum. It is the terrible writing that let’s it all down. If I had a time machine, I’d go back and erase Sylvester McCoy, and Peter Davidson and everything after David Tennant.


So, the new Cooke family tradition of Not Watching Doctor Who now focuses on rewatching old DVDs of Sapphire and Steel, and Blake's Seven and Tomorrow People – proper sci-fi that you can actually believe in.


image from pixabay

Breaking: 'Yes, I put out the bins!'



Oliver Heard (34) was insistent that he had completed the one task in had been trusted to do.


His family were initially sceptical given his past failures, but his wife said she was willing to give the marriage one last go, provided he had done what he promised. To which Oliver replied: 'I absolutely have. Now I just need to pop out the front for something completely not connected. Not the bins! I saw, a dog. Yes, a dog. He was chasing a squirrel. And, well, that needs checking on. How do I know whose dog it is? Was obviously he's not not there now. So, don't go spying on me. I'll be back in five minutes, once I've put the dog out.'


There was some confusion given that bin collection fell across the Easter Weekend and whether Jesus would have approved of recycling, on the day he himself was recycled. Biblically speaking there is a fine line between tribute and just taking the piss. When the topic was of Easter was raised with Oliver, sweat beads and a panicked look broke out on his face. 'What do you mean the bin days have changed?!?'


image from pixabay

Border Force hoodwinked by Trojan Cod



Border security officers have been duped by illegal migrants on the Kent coast hiding inside a giant wooden fish.


Britain’s treasured perimeter suffered a breach yesterday when dozens of illegal migrants surged through Kent under cover of darkness after being warmly welcomed onto land inside a big fat wooden chippy fish.


Border Force Operative, Charlie Harris explained: “We picked up a signal on radar that a huge craft was floating on the surface of the Channel towards Kent, but after investigation it was dismissed a just massive Cod having a nosey above water. Nothing unusual there.


“Then when it beached we was all ‘Crikey! It’s a gift from the French, or Neptune, or it’s broken free from Elton John’s place’, something like that. So we winched it up onto dry land and left it there. Marvellous specimen it was, an Arcto-Norwegian variety, if I’m not mistaken. There were more than a few selfies taken, I can tell you.


“In the morning it looked like it had been to a fishmonger lumberjack, it was split wide open. We didn’t know what to do. A few of us went inside in amongst the food wrappers and nappies and pretended we was Jonah. Oh, and we strapped Phil Snodd to the side like Captain Ahab in Moby Dick and did a TikTok, he was not happy about that.


“Then someone said there was multiple sightings of illegals in the area carrying oars and we put two and two together. I should have guessed the fish was dodgy as the Arcto-Norwegian Cod prefers the much colder North Atlantic waters and rarely travels this far south.


“It’s taught us at Border Force a mighty lesson, in the future if we detect an enormous wooden fish floating our way, before we drag it ashore we'll definitely check to see if anyone's riding on its back.”




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