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Your monthly horoscopes, by Toxic Meg


Aries: As the full moon approaches, you will meet a man with ginger hair, who will offer you a sandwich. Don’t be tempted to take it – it might look like Nutella, but it isn’t.


Taurus: With Saturn in your 12th house, now is the perfect time to try out a fresh new look! Don’t bother getting your hair done though, because whatever style you go for you’ll still look like Shrek. Maybe buy a stylish new designer bag… and wear it over your head.


Gemini: You’ve been feeling a bit down lately. Why not treat yourself to something nice? Don’t worry if you can’t afford it, stick it on the credit card. It’s not worth worrying about money now, you’ll be dead next week… Oops! Sorry, forget I mentioned that last bit…


Cancer: With Mercury retrograde in your house of finance, don’t buy any lottery tickets this month. In fact, it’s not worth you getting out of bed, to be honest. Stay there and eat Jaffa Cakes and drink Baileys all day every day, just like last month.


Leo: Everything doesn’t always have to be about you, you know. You narcissistic bellend.


Virgo: As Venus enters your house of romance, you will meet a handsome stranger who will sweep you off your feet into a whirlwind romance. Unfortunately he’s got galloping knob rot, so you should get yourself checked out at the clap clinic when he inevitably goes back to his wife.


Libra: As Jupiter enters your 6th house, now is a good time to look after your health. Particularly your oral health. Seriously, when did you last brush your teeth? Your breath smells like horse sh*t.


Scorpio: Destiny takes you to Ikea, where you will buy a new wardrobe. The wardrobe is a portal to the land of Narnia, but you will never realise this, because you won’t be able to make sense of the fecking assembly instructions.


Sagittarius: Everyone secretly hates you. And you have a fat arse.


Capricorn: With the sun in your sign, it’s time for you to step out of the shadows into the light. The light comes from a police officer’s torch – he’s been looking for you for ages. Don’t resist arrest, you’ll only p*ss yourself again if you get tasered.


Aquarius: Your ruling planet is Uranus, unsurprisingly. There’s a strong whiff of anus about you.


Pisces: As Neptune enters your sign, you will be visited by a magical elf, who will take you on a trip to fairyland, where you will ride a unicorn over a rainbow... Those mushrooms you’ve been eating didn’t come from Tesco, did they?


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/darkmoon_art-1664300/

News Biscuit Podcast 18: Flying Cows, Football Fine Dining & the end of the Monarchy

Episode 18: : Flying Cows, Football Fine Dining & the end of the Monarchy

Comedy news from NewsBiscuit

Featuring Guests: Midfield Diamond & Paul L

Host: Wrenfoe.

Sept-Oct 2022




We are also listed on Sticher, Pocket Casts, Deezer, Listen Notes, Podcast Addict & Castbox, Youtube, Spotify, Apple iPlayer Podcast, Amazon Music & Anchor


Hibernation: the on-trend way people in YOUR neighbourhood are subsisting NOW!



With eating, heating, dressing and not being curled up in a whimpering, frostbitten ball becoming nostalgic memories of long-fled luxuries, millions are realising hunkering down in a state of sub-consciousness (aka the operating level of Eamonn Holmes) as their only hope to surviving the winter. So banish all memories of the time Peter Purves picked Tommy the tortoise from his haybox come spring and a leg fell out of his rattling shell (that hardly ever happens), and follow our top tips to smashing it like a snoozy fat-tailed dwarf lemur. Or a cooler animal which hibernates. Like a mite-ridden ground squirrel. Yeah.



Fatten up

Bit of a catch-22, this one; if food was readily available, you wouldn’t be licking Rustlers wrappers out of the corner shop bin and eyeing up another tea of woodchip wallpaper and ennui right now, but to survive a few months blissful dribblefest you need to blubber up like a Primark shopper ambushed by the Krispy Kreme concession. Thanks to the government failing to implement phase 2 of the sugar tax, Sunny D is still readily available if you want to load up on calories, e-numbers banned in 47 countries, and bonus in-bottle embalming fluid. Or it’s a record acorn harvest this year, if you’ve got the strength to see off a few pawsy squirrels and get yourself tanked up on tannin, protein-tastic cankerworms, and- ooh, niacin!



Prepare a suitable receptacle

Hmmm, a cosy box, as sealed and insulated as possible. Well, the fridge is nice and toasty- and, bonus, furry- since you switched it off to save on ’leccy last month when E.ON advised your bill was going up to approximately the annual GDP of a small Pacific island. Per unit. However, unlike Madonna, you will still need to take the occasional breath. Remember when you ordered that single screen protector from Amazon, and it came in a box the size of a Shetland pony? Bingo! Take care not to let any of your unchecked tears dampen the shredded final demands and rescinded mortgage offers you need to fill it with, but just before you climb in, remember you also need to…



Secrete yourself in an undisturbed location

Try staying in a corner of your rapidly cooling, crumbling house, and you’ll be disturbed by a rotating Evildex of busybodies, bailiffs, election candidates, estate agents, and endearingly amateur Jehovah’s Witnesses fleeing rampaging hordes of professional End Of The Worlders hyped up on Prepper podcasts and Snowpiercer. So, somewhere warm and soporific, where you won’t be bothered, provisionally for years on end? It’s got to be the backbenches of the House of Lords; just make sure you’re hunkered down before Sanatogen Friday, when things can get a little last-days-of-Rome-y.



Switch off WhatsAapp

However well jell you’re hoping your neighbourhood group will be by your foresight and cunning, it’s vital not to be disturbed; every time your body is roused from torpor through semi-consciousness to the unstoppable screaming that comes with the dawning, horrific realisation this is reality, and not just a… I remember that stuff- used to come from really big dogs, with udders. Tasted of catsick and Farmer Jeremy Clarkson’s ejaculate. Was last able to afford a Babybel in 2011- dream, you’ll start burning calories quicker than a Tory backbencher through restraining orders. We know this will be the hardest step, but you MUST switch off all webcams and social media. Also don’t write ‘Found myself a great box, about to go down, wish me luck! Hoping to get off nice and quickly’ as your last post- it’s probably not the Twitter legacy you want to leave.



When to emerge- or just don’t bother?

Really, what’s the point? Compared to crawling, hollow-cheeked, blackened-toed and ruptured-spleened, into whatever post-apocalyptic ravaged landscape exists in spring 2023 …even worse in 2033 …you're having a laugh, mate 2187?; the prospect of slow, lingering, semi-conscious starvation seems like the golden time you got to rub up against Frankie Hinkle to ‘Relax’ at the Scouts disco two glorious rotations in a row. Pop in your earbuds, wince that you forgot to cancel SKY, and close your eyes...

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