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Five Go Dobbing in the Neighbours


Uncle Quentin was seen in Smuggler’s Cove, without a mask,’ exclaimed Julian.


‘What a frightful bore,’ said George. ‘Doesn’t he know that Timmy has an undying medical condition? He keeps eating poisoned food’.


They said it couldn’t be done. A new NewsBiscuit annual. Or maybe it was ‘shouldn’t’. That’s right, it shouldn’t be done. In fact, there was a petition. Maybe a march or two? Now that I think about it, there was a Court Order. People chaining themselves to railings. The threat of a military coup.


But we said to hell with them. We were going to publish. Regardless of the suffering and derisory sales. If we could get Brexit done, how hard would it be to write a NewsBiscuit book?


BTW how’s the Brexit thing going?


From the same team that brought you 'Fifteen Years of Typos' comes an extensive anthology of twelve months of fake news from the UKs original fake news site, Newsbiscuit. Over 800 carefully curated comedy fake news articles and more than 700 one-line news gags all together in one volume written by some of the funniest and most creative comedy writers known to work for free.


Articles drawn from September 2020 until August 2021, approximately mirroring events in the real world, include:



Bloke in pub to join Cabinet


NATO to tut and shake their heads at Russia


Second wave of press conferences to hit the UK


National Fiasco Memorial built in the wrong place


Coronavirus will be with us for between two years and forever, say scientists


Biden selects Kamala Harris to be his running-mate and carer


Government finally admits it has 'no idea' why we have daylight saving time


and hundreds more


Five Go Dobbing in the Neighbours makes a great gift for friends and to yourself





Best of NewsBiscuit - May 2024

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May 2024


The small matter of the General Election date was finally announced on the 23rd of May, outside 10 Downing Street, by one of the smaller Tory Wets. That’s right – only a year ago! The Tories continued to do their best impersonation of a busted flush and Tory MPs continued to be quite defective. Labour continued to mutter about change and refused to say anything about their policies. Ed Davey started planning his tour of Britain’s theme parks.


The hearings into the Post Office Horizon scandal continued. Paula Vennells continued to protest her ignorance, and therefore innocence. It was all so unbelievable that a career in politics seemed to be beckoning. On the plus side, the convictions of many subpostmasters were – at last - overturned.

Water companies and water quality continued to make the news. Water company bosses continued to poo-poo concerns about sewage. Bookings for UK holiday resorts hit rock bottom.

Here is a selection of the top stories from May 2024, loosely organised by topic. Click through to read the stories and the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.


General Election


Post Office Scandal


Sport


Other nonsense



Selected headlines from May 2024


Sunak ignores teams of fat ladies singing outside Downing Street

Eurovision: "Not over until the bearded lady sings"

All Universities required to become Diversities

Free Julian Assange! (buyer collects)

I'm trying to give up being a pirate, but the patches aren't working

Pals with receding hairlines say they go back a long way

Prince William accidentally calls the FA Cup 'Dad'

Tories suffering from electoral dysfunction

Cocaine worth £40 million found in car park still not enough to pay for two hours parking

Post Office paid Paula Vennells 5 million pounds to know nothing about anything

Boats on all English rivers now required to have a poop deck


Picture credit: Deep Dream Generator

Horoscopes for May, by Dippy Dave


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Aries


Now is a good time to review your financial situation. Going bankrupt, or fleeing abroad, are both credible options and could be better than they sound. Or you could consider travelling to a country with deposits on bottles and cans? You could probably make a decent living off the deposit money, and you would also benefit from more time outside.


Taurus


Whatever Tomasz Schafernaker says does't apply to you.


Gemini


With Venus ascending, focus falls upon your love life. Great changes are in store, although the nature of that change is unclear.


This change could be your partner declaring a willingness to participate in your sexual fantasies : equally, it may mean your partner leaving you to set up a love-nest with the front row of the local rugby team.


Good luck with either.


Cancer


You will be head hunted this month. Who knew there was a Dayak tribe seeking asylum in your area. Probably, a black mark for them. Mind you, you’ll be past caring.


Leo


Your involvement in a global IT failure leads you to suspect that cyber security may not be your "thing". Others are reaching the same conclusion, so best jump before you are pushed. Perhaps your skill set is best suited to a UK water company where, quite frankly, you would probably blend in seamlessly.


Virgo


Soz that I didn't warn you about the runaway bus. I was busy learning reading tarot cards and forgot to make a note. Still, the good news is I’m getting pretty good with the cards. Watch this space!


Libra


The nightmare will continue as your wicked uncle will put a cross in the wrong box at a polling station again.


Scorpio


You will be captured by a rogue troupe of Morris Dancers and then tied to a maypole. The village folk will dance around you throwing tar and feathers until you look like ‘the Dark One’. As the sun goes down you will be set alight to cries of ‘begone, Emmet’. Ah! Good old British traditions.


Sagittarius


Due to some admin cockup at the White House, JD Vance will calling at your front door. I strongly recommend that you hide behind the sofa till he goes away.


Capricorn


The mists of the future have briefly lifted, and I can see a fearsome but uncertain peril approaching you at great speed.


A friendly spirit indicates that chaos can be avoided by using taramasalata as a body rub, and always carrying an old edition of Halliwell's Film Guide. Sage wisdom or the rantings of an enthusiastic piss artist ? You decide, but keep me posted.


Aquarius


Fireworks, music, dancing. You'd have loved it if you had been invited.


Pisces


Today you will encounter the Bulgarian national backgammon champion. Only you won't know if it's the elderly gentleman who smiled at you and let you stroke his pelican on a lead, or the six year old girl singing the theme tune to M*A*S*H and blowing snot bubbles.



Contributions from



deskpilot: Aries


SteveB: Taurus, Libra, Pisces


FlashArry: Gemini, Leo, Capricorn


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