Aphorisms for modern times - part 1

Aphorisms have been around since Hippocrates, says Wikipedia, and, says Wikipedia, have a prominent place in the canons of several ancient societies, as memorable and concise expressions of wisdom. An aphorism is generally understood to be ‘a concise and eloquent statement of truth.’

So, with that erudite preamble, here is a selection of aphorisms for modern times. Only without the wisdom. Or the truth. Or the memorable and concise bit.

Choosing not to choose is still a choice, but look at the time you save

Some people mature like fine wine, others sour like old beer

All prayers are heard, but sometimes the answer is 'meh'

It’s easy to run into debt, but you have to crawl out

There’s no problem drinking like a fish, so long as you drink what fish drink.

My wife and I had absolutely nothing when we got started, and we’ve got most of it left

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how

difficult it was

Strive for adequate, settle for mediocre

Out of the frying pan - five-second rule

Many a mickle makes too many mickles

Procrastination is the thief of...err...I'll get back to you on that

The road to hell is paved with good inventions

A bird in the bush is worth two in the hand

A poor politician blames his toolmaker

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder

These modern aphorisms are based on the greatest thoughts (so far) of modelmaker, FlashArry, and deskpilot

Image credit: stablediffusion

The Last Simple - a parody

The Last Simple

Bradford knows he’s the lead in a third rate parody. However, his ambition is to be the lead in a Dan Brown story, but doesn’t know if he has to dumb up or down for the gig.

In ‘The Last Simple’, Bradford, a professor of Simpology from Harvard, follows clues left by the illiterati, ignoranti and even the bingoranti as he tries to track down the kidnapper of Lord Bartholomew. Aided by Lord Bartholomew’s daughter, Lady Bartholomew, and her loathsome manservant Belsen, Bradford has to evade arrest by not one, but two Buffoons of a Copper while bouncing around the renowned cultural centres of Northern England, from Lincoln Cathedral to Blackpool Tower.

Aided by Surly Teabing, the rudest man in England, while dodging Teabing’s servant Snivell, Bradford finds himself in a race against time, logic, bad jokes, ridiculous puns and awful gags as he searches for the Last Simple in an improbable if unbelievable storyline.

This a laugh a minute book, assuming you’re a very fast reader.

Includes the Christmas Special and at least one deleted chapter.

Read an interview with Ray Sullivan about The Last Simple with Profile Critics here

Buy The Last Simple in eBook format here

Buy The Last Simple in paperback format here

Ray Sullivan is a writer and editor for Newsbiscuit. He has ten novels published ranging in genres from comedy, science fiction and thrillers.

www.newsbiscuit.com

AI Briefing – the United Kingdom

The following briefing on the United Kingdom has been produced by generative AI and cross-checked with degenerative AI.   This technology is experimental.

The United Kingdom is an island nation in Northern Europe.   It has a diverse population because of an ancient habit of colonising other countries.   Mathematicians have proved that its coastline is infinitely long.

The UK has a royal family of German origin who own most of the wind farms and all of the sea and all of the swans.  In olden times, members of the royal family burnt cakes.   These days, they are more like to burn their reputations.

The land used to be owned by the gentry, but these days it is owned mostly by the National Trust, a charity devoted to banning fox hunting, and by shadowy offshore companies owned by shadowy oligarchs. Talking about property prices is a national obsession.

Military - once mighty, but now in a poor state.

Education – once mighty, but now in a poor state.

Mineral wealth – the principle raw material available in the UK is recyclate – glass, plastic, newspapers, and nuclear waste. No value is extracted from these raw materials as they are sent to other countries for processing. The UK used to have a coal industry until the mining unions and Margaret Thatcher conspired together to bugger it up. The UK has huge deposits of shale oil, but is too wimpy to extract them. The UK used to have an oil industry until it was closed down because of climate change. Talking about the environment and climate change are national obsessions.

Transport – most of the important roads were built by the Romans, but they have not been well maintained since. Talking about potholes is a national obsession.

Environment – the country is temperate, with changeable weather. The inhabitants are largely intemperate. Talking about weather is a national obsession.

Sport – the country claims to have invented football (soccer), rugby, darts and football hooliganism.  And golf, croquet, bar billiards, Subbuteo and Scrabble.  It is a source of national shame that the national soccer team hasn’t won anything worth having since 1966.  Talking about football is a national obsession.  Everyone claims to understand the offside rule, but nobody really does.  The authoritative explanation is on a 50p coin and there is never one around when you need it.

Diet – the UK claims to have invented bread, beer, fish and chips, crisps, tea, and deep-fried Mars bars.  All of these claims are false. The culinary history of the UK is best described as stodgy. Talking about beer is a national obsession.

Politics – there is an awful lot of this in the UK, but none of it is any good.  Once mighty, but now in a poor state.

Image by Elias from Pixabay