top of page
Search

Liz Truss wins worst memoir of the year, pipping Fifty Shades of Grayling



The worst 'look at me and what I did' book of the year awards have been held in the burnt out shell which was once your nearest hospital. Here are the unreadable straight-to-pulp car crashes government ministers shat out instead of attempting to run a country.



Liz Truss - The Tip of The Iceberg Lettuces


Chris Whatsmename - Fifty Shades of Grayling


Rishi Sunak - The Big Short Trousers (featuring Rishi Longstockings)


David Cameron - First Past the Hogroast


Boris Johnson - Identitty


Michael Gove - Lord Nose (A Snort Story)


Jeremy H Unt - The English Patients Still Waiting (reprinted by the Foodbank of England)


Suella Braverman - A Wish Called Rwanda


Priti Patel - Catch 22 (Asylum Seekers)


Theresa May - Wheatfield of Dreams


Grant Shapps - Me, Myself and Corinne Stockheath (ghost written by Sebastian Fox, forward by Michael Green)


Jacob Rees-Mogg - Stranger Offshores (Eton, Pray, Gov)


Nadine Dorries - Murder in the Deviant Express


Nadim Zahawi - Yougov in the Time of Cholera (HMRC £3 million tax evasion prosecution still pending)


Kwasi Kwarteng - The Day of the Jack All


Penny Mordaunt - The Thatcher in the Eye


Dominic Raab - The Romanians of the Daaaaaay


Thérèse Coffey - War and Piss


Matt Hancock - The Wrong Kiss Goodnight




Man sent home with pig kidney and a big tub of oinkment

Medical science has taken a huge leap forward this past few weeks, after a man – Lester Snips – became the first human in history to be the successful recipient of a fully functioning kidney, donated by a pig.


Chief of medical transplants, Dr James Thwipp explains, ‘We’re absolutely over the moon at how successful the operation has been. Medical science has been aware for some time, of the similarities between humans and pigs. The medical team had actually been debating this for a few months now but felt it important not to act too rasherly. There were various things to deal with that prevented us jumping in, whole hog.


‘One issue, for example, was how to break it to Mr Snips that the only kidney available to him was that of a pig. We decided it best to keep it our little secret. 'Eventually if was time to stop chewing the fat and just get crackling.


'We’ve been asked if we plan to perform any more pig-to-human transplants and the answer is that we may, but we need to take a break for now. We certainly don’t plan to do multiple operations on the trotter.’


A few days after returning home, Mr Snips invited us to meet with him ‘Generally people have been lovely all throughout – very supportive. While I was waiting for a kidney to become available, I even got a letter from Elon Musk. He said he’d make me a robot kidney that would let me play chess on the computer. I turned him down. I don’t know how to play chess.


'I have noticed a few odd things though. I don’t know why, but I’ve started to feel very guilty when I have a bacon sandwich. It’s a real shame because I love a bacon sandwich. I’ve also developed an over-whelming desire to roll around in muddy puddles. I’m having to buy a load of new clothes so I’ve enough to wear while other stuff’s in the wash.


'I see the local kids keep mocking me. Thing is, an organ transplant - snout to be laughed at. I’m glad I’m here. If it wasn’t for Bernie – he’s the chap who gave me my new lease on life – I’d still be stuck in bed, wrapped in my blankets, drugged up to my eyeballs


'I’ve been speaking to the hospital about meeting Bernie to thank him personally. But apparently he’s very busy at the moment. He runs a catering business I think. I asked Dr Thwipp what Bernard does and the Dr told me he’s in pies.'




Your Horoscopes for May, by Hermes Trismegistus



Aries


Aries: you're under the Ram. Would it be indelicate to ask why?


Taurus


I'm sorry, but none of the members of the Celestial Zodiac are prepared to make a prediction for you. Get back to your tarot cards, you traitor!


Gemini


I'd take the blue pill if I was you. You won't like what you find out if you take the red one ... unless you like long leather coats.


Cancer


As Mars passes through Virgo, things will never be the same at the snooker.


Leo


Never mind. At least you're not Liz Truss! Oh you are. Errm …


Virgo


Love is in the air - they are throwing used condoms off the top of the tower block again. Some sort of waterproof hat is essential, and try not to look up with your mouth open.


Libra


There will be no forecast for you this month. Animal activists freed my "entrail providers" before I got to consulting for you.


Scorpio


You're going to get stuck in a lift this month, probably with a Barbary Ape. Be prepared.


Sagittarius


As film of you dancing naked in Brighton's Pride March racks up four million views, you might want to consider a slightly less 'potent' medication for your hay-fever. Nice moves though.


Capricorn


The Heavens declare that you may run, but you c'aint hide.


Aquarius


After years of toiling in obscurity, your efforts are finally recognised - but you knew the CCTV in the park would eventually catch you out. Literally.


Pisces


Due to a cataclysmic shakeup of the Western literary canon, your latest series of emails to the Sales Department will win you the Nobel Prize. You'd better learn Swedish fast.



Contributions from:



Scorpio - simonjjames,


Aries - Sinnick,


Cancer - SteveB


Virgo, Sagittarius, Aquarius -FlashArry


Pisces - sydalg




bottom of page