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Writer's pictureSydalg
Apr 30, 2022

Great turning points in history and how things might have gone the other way



Washington DC, 1865: 'Where's that slave-freeing bastard Lincoln? Oh, interesting play... hang on, I know that actor, what was he in again?'


1914: 'Downtown Sarajevo's been pedestrianised, better tell our chauffeur to turn back.'


1066: 'No, William, wait. The Channel Tunnel will be finished by 1068 - honest!'


Rome, 44 BC: 'Oh no - health and safety regulations say knives can't be removed from the Forum canteen. Caesar assassination's off.'


The great nail shortage of 33 AD: 'OK, Jesus, community service it is.'


1215, Runnymede: 'How about we scratch all this crap about ditches and extend the rights to women and poor people?'


20 April, 1889: 'Congratulations Mrs Hitler; it's a girl.'


22nd June 2016, Westminster: 'Stuff this Brexit nonsense. Let's get smashed and join the Euro.'


25th April 1974, Lisbon: The Carnation Revolution - 'No, not the evaporated milk, I meant put the flower in the barrels of the rifles.'


17th November 1989, Prague: The Velvet Revolution - IKEA encourage the people of Czechoslovakia to 'chuck out your chintz.'


4th July 1996, USA: Independence Day - The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air making his big movie break (unclear if this will still be celebrated).


The Pope, 1527: 'Fair enough Henry, you've been a good mate in the past, say three Hail Marys and I'll grant you a divorce.'


Christopher Columbus, 1492, somewhere in the Atlantic: 'We've been sailing for days, we've found nothing and I'm feeling sick as a parrot - let's turn round and go home.'


'Are you sure you want to go to Damascus, Saul?'



Hat tips to additional contributors: Lockjaw, sockpuppet, SteveB, sirlupus

Writer's picturedeskpilot
Apr 26, 2022

Government consults on new ways to boost rail travel without actually asking anybody


The Government has launched cheap ticket offers in April and May to get a cash-strapped and covid-averse public back onto the trains and replacement buses. In the longer term, the Ministry of Going Nowhere will introduce a range of new railcards to boost train travel. These options will include:


The Hungry Traveller Railcard – this will give travellers 25% off on-train food, bringing the price of a Kit Kat back below a pound and an individual fruit pie back below five pounds. It will also offer discounts at some station concessions, including food and drink from the Real Cornish Pasty Company, the Continuity Cornish Pasty Co. and the Judean Popular Pasty Company, although pasties are excluded from the offer.


The Lucky Traveller Railcard – this is the railcard for passengers with a sense of adventure (beyond the usual uncertainties about whether the train will turn up). Railcard holders will be entered into an annual draw to win train tickets to iconic destinations, such as Wigan, Lympstone Commando, Kyle of Lochalsh and Worcester Parkway. Travellers will also receive scratchcards with prizes ranging from copies of the Metro newspaper, 10% off non-sale items at DFS, and commemorative toothpicks.


Over-90’s Rail Card – the Government aims to increase rail use in this age group, which has been in decline since the cancellation of the Red Star Parcels service. This will give travellers discounts on toilet facilities and will offer complementary Werthers Originals in first class. Special steam trains for rail card holders will have extra long station stops, extra loud on-train announcements and a ban on passengers aged under 42.


A spokesman for the Ministry of Going Nowhere said that the government is putting extra effort into boosting rail travel because railways are a critical part of national infrastructure and because, regardless of what you do for them, motorists and airline passengers just moan and moan and moan.



Image from Pixabay by cocoparisienne

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