Donald Trump, President elect of the United States, has made changes to his previously announced government office holders. Among the new key members of his cabinet are -
Overseas Aid - Genghis Khan.
Extreme Republican Khan becomes the first person of Asian origin to hold a post in US Government. Trump was quoted as saying, "I think Genghis can bring a whole new vision to how we collect aid from overseas. The guy's had a long time to plan this. Overseas countries like Mexico will be very keen to pay up once Mr Khan comes calling."
Defence - Ru Paul
"Let me tell you, isn't it said the best means of defence is offence, right? Well this, this, this, is it a guy?, sure as shit offends me. We're gonna let Mr Ru tell my pal Vladimir what's coming to him, with feathers on, if he doesn't toe the line. And there's another thing, right? How come we've got two guys. Vladimir and Vladimir, kicking off at each other? What is this, Cheech and Chong?"
Treasury - Scrooge McDuck
In this shock move, criticised by financial experts Simpson, Griffin and Smith, President Trump has taken the unprecedented step of appointing a cartoon character to senior office. "Well, the way I see it, and I'm usually very right about these things, right, is that this guy is literally swimming in money. So he knows how to make and keep a buck or two. And his name's McDuck, right, so he's obviously Scottish. And they are some very smart, very smart people. I myself am part Scottish as you could no doubt tell. I love the colour of that Irn Bru, as you can no doubt tell."
Justice - Randy Byczowski
This is the most unusual new appointment to the Trump government. Mr. Byczowski is currently serving a 7-10 year stretch in the Federal Correctional Institution at Leavenworth, Kansas.
'This one is for the people.' claimed President elect Trump. 'Now Randy is a very smart guy, as I am. And I recognised that thing in him. As soon as Randy's letter from Leavenworth arrived with me, I realised we need to re-examine our whole justice system inside out. And who better to lead that than a felon with a whole string of convictions and stuff to his name? None of these fancy lawyers and judges has got Randy's insight. And convictions. He knows justice - he's just never had any! So anybody out there who may be facing proceedings, challenges, lawsuits or impeachments, I can tell you, Justice Secretary Byczowski will deliver. I've personally assured my good friend Randy that he's got another 10-stretch coming up if he doesn't.'
Head of the CIA - Vladimir Putin
In keeping with his bold appointments, the President of Russia will now take charge of the USA's overseas counter-intelligence operations. 'He assures me that he already knows the CIA inside out, and they know a lot about him, so I figured the deal was as good as done,' said Mr Trump. While controversial, it appears no more so than appointing an alleged sex trafficker to run the Department of Justice.
Labour - Tony Soprano
'The guy's a New Yorker like I used to be, and he takes a direct approach to negotiating with workers, stopping all their sad whingeing about 'oh dear my billionaire boss has declared bankruptcy to avoid paying me my wages. Again.' commented the President. Pundits noted that, having already appointed a cartoon character to his cabinet, a second fictional Secretary of State is not surprising and, despite the Sopranos' reputation for dealing with labour relations using a baseball bat, will probably do less harm than any of the real people Mr Trump might have appointed.Â
Environment - Sir James Ratcliffe
Few men have more pollution experience than Sir James. As head of the Environmental Protection Agency, he will end discrimination against the fossilized reptiles that have been repeatedly and unfairly blamed for so-called climate change . 'It wasn't the dinosaurs' fault that they died,' Sir James explained in a hastily arranged press conference. 'I will bring a swift end to the blame-dinosaurs-first cancel culture that the woke socialist wokists have inflicted on humanity.'
Transport - Edward John Smith
As captain of the Titanic, Mr. Smith brings a wealth of experience in navigating difficult transport issues. He will chart a new course in American transportation history, and will do so with icy determination. He will replace the rudderless policies of the Biden-Harris administration with plans guided by his unsinkable faith in the American spirit.Â
This feature includes contributions from Tacitus and Sirlupus.
Picture credit: Wix
