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More fake news from the NB archives

Updated: Nov 17, 2024



6th cent. BC. Buddha gets idea for reincarnation while visiting recycling centre.


33 AD. Jesus crucified, asks to be buried with 10kg of self-raising flour.


c. 150 AD. Ptolemy proves world is round. Shops that sold models of Earth now calling them "frisbees".


1450. Renaissance pauses for half-time break so people can clear backlog of witches and heretics to be burned.


1453. Guinness Book of Records congratulates England and France on completing Hundred Years' War.


1560. Nostradamus correctly predicts the Trump presidencies, but realises they are just too far-fetched for publication


1707. Act of Union - apparently. Scotland wakes up in bed beside England with huge hangover and no idea how it got there.


1842. Victorian society is shocked by the first Pirelli calendar, which features pictures of pianos with particularly attractive legs


1854. Alfred Tennyson in secret talks with Light Brigade: 'You provide the charge and I'll provide the poem.'


1901. Death of Queen Victoria sparks constitutional crisis as King Edward too fat to fit on stamp.


1919. Humiliating peace terms for WWI losers at Versailles, whereby Britain allowed to make one 12-part sitcom per year about beating Germany.



Includes contributions from FlashArry and deskpilot


Photo credit stockcake: museum-dinosaur-exhibit_262824_51875



That Trump acceptance speech in full



'Friends, criminals, countrymen.  You gave me your votes as I knew you would.  Thank you.  I will make sure that Elon pays out.  It was easy to vote for me.  I bet you never thought about doing anything else.  I'm so happy for you.  It's going to be so good.  I'll be telling you how good on social media every day.


'Crooked Hilary, Obama Bin Laden, Joe Blow and Kamala Toe never had a shot (like I did. I'm a big shot). The election was about brawn not brain, which was in my favour.  My new friend Elon says I really have the X factor and that's the truth.  I like him because he puts his money where my mouth is.


God made me win. He saved me from the bullets so that I could win bigly.  I will pardon myself because I know you want me to, and because I know I've done nothing wrong.  I will also pardon Stormy Daniels, on certain conditions. She knows what they are. But I will take righteous and mighty vengeance on the unbelievers. You know who you are.


My actions on the stolen election in 2020 have delivered a much better election in 2024, and I didn't even have to hang Chad.


I will be generous to my friends in the red states. I am proud of you boys. I love QAnon. I love Martians.  But not Puerto Ricans. You know who you are.  I will smite the garbage blue states until they repent, and can be healed.


I promise to be against immigrants, but for cheap labour.  I will relax gun laws and denounce school shootings and assassinations. I will finish the wall, because it's the wall of the people. I will put America first after myself.  America comes first because abroad is almost literally a foreign country.  I will increase tariffs on imports and reduce taxes on hotels, casinos, and golf.   I'll tell gas stations and supermarkets to cut prices, because climate change is made up and because you all voted for cheap stuff.


Thank you for buying my merch. The MAGA caps will stop CCTV from watching you. The gold trainers will allow you to walk on water. My books are all brilliant, and I plan to read them someday.


God bless X, God bless America, God bless me.



1500 years of fake news from NB archives



5th century. Romans leave Britain after getting letter from Anglo-Saxons saying "It's our turn now".



878 AD. Celebrity British Bake Off a disaster as King Alfred burns cakes.



1066. Sale of alcohol banned on Normandy ferries after major outbreak of violence at Hastings.



1483. Future Richard III spotted tidying up guest room in Tower for "nephews staying over".



1536. First recorded acid attack. Henry VIII dissolves marriage, wife.



1688. William of Orange gets so stoned during weekend in Amsterdam he thinks he's king of England and sets off to claim throne.



1714. George I crowned. Britain resumes ancient tradition of picking monarchs who show up in a boat and can't speak English.



1820. Duke of Wellington runs amok with assault flintlock in House of Lords, killing 12. Blames PTSD, "Waterloo flashbacks".



1918. Needing time "to digest all that war poetry", Britain takes 21-year break from fighting Germany.





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