What do you do when you get a wedding invite to a billionaire tech bro's wedding in Venice? Now you have to rearrange your diary, get plane tickets to Italy, figure out if you can claim it as a business expense, buy a new outfit, and more. Worst of all, you have to get them a wedding present that isn't for sale on Amazon, but would be delivered quicker & reliably. And you probably can't get it from Temu or Shein either, as that would cause offence. What a hassle!
So, given the cost, inconvenience, wall-to-wall media coverage, and - worst of all - having to meet all those annoying rich bastards - you could apply yourself to finding an excellent reason why you can't go.
Which is what we did.
Here's our list of the best excuses we could come up with...
- I didn't know when it was - somebody should have mentioned it
- Lauren and I used to be an item
- I turned up at Venice Street, Bolton
- I'm far too rich to attend pleb weddings
- Jeff stole my idea for an online marketplace, and I haven't forgiven him
- I would only go if Donald went with me
- all the Prime seats had gone
- I found another one cheaper on eBay
- it's a hard choice between Jeff's wedding and a hotel stay with Donald Trump in Moscow, afternoon tea with Harold Shipman and a pony trekking holiday in Gaza; I think I'll go to Gaza
- I was worried I'd have to subscribe to regular weddings in order to get money off
- it would betray all my Venice-in-peril donations from eating Veneziana pizzas
- I only go to weddings with five star reviews
- I didn't want to marry Jeff Bezos
- Amazon had increased the price of posh frocks and tuxedos in the run-up to the wedding, and Dunn and Co, went bust after Amazon came on the scene, so I had no idea if I'd just look like a fat bastard in an ill-fitting suit at such short notice
- I was worried that the wedding would show up in my favourites list
- Venice for weddings is so passé
- I was performing a secret set at Glastonbury - so secret no one was there
- it was the only day I could get a driving test
- I was stuck on a train in Wisbech on the connecting route to Great Yarmouth
- I'm Keanu Reeves and I wouldn't go to something like that
- because I'd see more of the wedding at home on TV than I would if I was there in person
- I've been to three funerals recently, so I don't need any more free nosh
With contributions from deskpilot, modelmaker, lockjaw, sirlupus, will , and Titus
Image credit: Wix AI
