Letter to the editor (not containing a bomb)

Sir,

I feel compelled to complain in the strongest possible terms that your publication is grossly unfair to minority parliamentary parties in not providing equal opportunity of ridicule. As a member of the Liberal Democrats, I read your journal on a daily basis hoping to see the Lib Dems get a mention, but you appear to have failed to notice we exist.

Unless this matter is redressed over the coming week with a full scale piss take of Ed Davey or another senior Liberal Democrat, I shall cancel my subscription.

Yours faithfully,

Daniel Craig (Mrs)

NewsBiscuit Response

Dearest darling madam,

Firstly, congratulations on correctly calling me Sir. Secondly, your strongest possible terms are somewhat tame compared to the 14 death threats I received this hour, 13 of which also demanded that my sexual organs be immediately infested with Raabs. Thirdly, a crack team of 72 finest NewsBiscuit investigative journalists have looked into these Diliberate Lemoncrats you speak of, but no trace of their existence has been uncovered. Fifthly, what happened to fourthly? Sixthly, Do you mean the Ed Davey who works the Cumbrian shaft? Seventhly, the subscription cancellation service has experienced a rapid unscheduled disassembly, which, coincidentally, was the name of our pub quiz team last night. And eighthly, I'm not the editor. In fact, I now stand with you against this disgraceful oversight and call for a full scale inquiry involving harshly worded laminated posters and an air frier called Sid.

Solidarity, sister

Verity Pumpface (Mr)

www.newsbiscuit.com

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www.newsbiscuit.com

NHS to switch to ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Penicillin’

Under the new strategic plan for the NHS – “Saving Money, Lives Optional” – penicillin will be phased out in favour of a vegetable oil-based substitute.

‘Most people can’t tell if they’re taking real penicillin so why waste money?’ a government spokesman said. ‘The cash we save can be spent on better cancer prevention services’, he added before clutching his belly and rocking back and forth with laughter. ‘Or maternity services!’ spluttered another spokesman, his face red with suppressed mirth. After a few minutes they composed themselves and stopped corpsing long enough to resume speech.

‘If we’re going to make this thing profitable . . . ‘ one said, before being kicked by the other. ‘What I meant to say was, if we’re to achieve the efficiencies we need from the NHS prior to the IPO, we need to cut unnecessary fat from its budgets. For example head injuries have been treated for centuries with a dab of butter . . .’

‘Butter?’ I ask. ‘You’re proposing rubbing butter on head injuries?’

‘Not Lurpak’, he clarified. ‘Danepak or margarine work just as well. Far cheaper than scanners and neurosurgery. It’s all there, peer reviewed in JOWMA’

I look at him blankly. ‘JOWMA?’

‘Journal of the Old Wives Medical Association’ he replied with a weary sigh. ‘I thought you were the medical correspondent? Their vaccine supplement is excellent. Who knew they caused cancer?’

I asked which companies would be supplying the penicillin substitutes and the spokesmen became evasive. One muttered something about the Prime Minister’s wife and the other hastily added that ‘everything will be declared, just as soon as it’s rumbled’.

So that’s that. Don’t get an infection, or if you do, become a merchant banker first so you can afford the good stuff. I’m off to buy some Danepak for the first aid kit.