'Lego to replace Bitcoins' - Out Now

Dear friends of NewsBiscuit,

We have released another book.. You can order e-copies here.. Paperback and hardback copies can be ordered here. They may even be available if Amazon have pulled their finger out.

‘The Media has become a fetid stream of ill-informed and scurrilous reporting, and for that I say - ‘You’re Welcome’.’ Sir Hugo Von Biscuit (NewsBiscuit owner and sweat shop enthusiast)

NewsBiscuit – has done to journalism what flat earthers have done to NASA. It has redefined the word truth, beaten it to death and buried it in an undisclosed location. This collection of stories from 2013-17 walks a fine line between absolute twaddle and actionable slander. NewsBiscuit – real fake news.

‘Lego to replace Bitcoins’ is the latest humorous output from the UK’s oldest online satirical website. NewsBiscuit was launched by John O’Farrell in September 2006 and has been one step away from a super-injunction ever since.

This lovingly crafted compendium comes in a paper-based format and a digital-thingy for those who know how to work that stuff.

www.newsbiscuit.com

Iron Maiden Toilet Seats to Spike Workplace Efficiency

In the never-ending quest for increased productivity, the corporate world has stumbled upon a ground-breaking solution: Iron Maiden Toilet Seats. From the innovators of the anti-suicide nets in Shenzhen Apple factories comes this exciting invention that is sure to leave any CEO salivating.

Gone are the days of employees idly scrolling through social media or taking unnecessarily long bathroom breaks. With the bed-of-nails toilet seat, employees can enjoy up to 20 seconds of unskewered toilet time before the spikes begin to rise slowly out of the porcelain throne like that scene in The Temple of Doom.

For those too numb with existential ennui to feel their buttocks being impaled, the spikes will administer an injection of caffeine and methamphetamines to stimulate an ebullient motivation to work.

‘At first we took a lot of inspiration from hostile architecture,’ a senior manager tells us. ‘We started by tilting the seats at 13 degrees to make toilet breaks more miserable, but it only led to a 25% decrease in time spent on comfort breaks. After that we exaggerated the slope to 90 degrees, but amazingly they were still managing to dawdle. Then we introduced the Genital Grabbing Sewer Goblins, but they soon began unionizing over their lack of health insurance. The spiked toilet seat is by far the most cost-effective solution.’

‘I miss the goblins,’ warehouse worker Andrew Perez tells us. ‘It’s been so long since I’ve felt the touch of my wife that the physical contact filled a void inside me. Sarah, if you’re out there, I miss you, my love. Tell the kids that Daddy will be home soon.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/taken-336382/

Your June Horoscope, by Toxic Meg

Aries: Apologies for last month’s predictions, I was having a mare of a day and spread it around with a big trowel. You are all lovely people, and nice things will happen to you - except Janice Obermann of Nantwich. You know why, you heartless b!tch.

Taurus: This month your dream will finally come true! No, not the one where you’re making love with Chris Hemsworth on a tropical beach – the one where you’re sitting on a toilet completely naked while your work colleagues laugh at you, and all your teeth fall out.

Gemini: Just one word for you this month: Eeugh!

Cancer: As Mercury enters your sign backwards, you will receive an important message. It’s an email from Weightwatchers, informing you that they must regretfully reject your application to join, owing to the fact that they can’t work miracles.

Leo: The life line of your palm says you will live long and prosper. That the local paper is running your obituary on Thursday and charging you eight hundred quid for it up front is an insignificant detail.

Virgo: You’ve always wanted to be made famous by having something named after you, and this month it will finally happen when you become the first person to be diagnosed with a rather unpleasant disease. There’s no cure, but at least it will explain what’s been causing your terrible flatulence, and the genital warts.

Orion: You will meet the love of your life in the next few days, get married, have beautiful children and live happily ever after. Well, not really, because Orion is not a zodiac sign, you gullible tw@t!

Libra: Saturn aligns with Uranus in your sign this month, resulting in you being afflicted with piles the size of tennis balls. It’s not all bad news, as you’ll soon discover that the piles enable you to fart a note-perfect rendition of Nessun Dorma. Don’t reach for the Anusol right away – try your luck on Britain’s Got Talent first.

Scorpio: Due to an unfortunate oversight, the planets have completely neglected to make any predictions for you this month. You can’t really blame them, you are very forgettable.

Sagittarius: Neptune told me to tell you your new jeans make your @rse look fat.

Capricorn: You will be shocked to discover that by some bizarre clerical error you were elected president of Zimbabwe in 2019. Fortunately, you were deposed in a bloody coup a few months later. Just as well you weren't there.

Aquarius: The moon moves into your sign this month, bringing with it an air of confusion which will lead to an awkward misunderstanding. Don’t feel too embarrassed - mistaking the grief counselling centre for a public toilet is easy to do, after 3 bottles of cheap vodka. And crapping on a chair could be interpreted as an expression of grief, I suppose…

Pisces: As Mars collides with Venus in your house of good fortune, something momentous is about to happen to you which will change your whole life! This could turn out to be a fabulous opportunity, or it could all end in complete disaster, everything depends on how you handle the situation. All will be well if you remember this one vital piece of information…

Sorry, I’ve got to go now - the microwave has just pinged, so my dinner is ready. I’ll see you next month, unless you handle things all wrong like you usually do, in which case I definitely won’t…

Hat tips go to:

FlashArry – Aries

lockjaw – Gemini

SteveB – Leo

Sinnick – Orion

sydalg - Capricorn

Image:Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com