Earth to be recycled - again

We take recycling seriously here at NewBiscuit. Not only did we recycle hundreds of funny stories and thousands of one-line gags for last year's anthology, we're continuing to recycle them. We've even recycled the Amazon hyperlink - it's there, on the image above these words - go on, push it, you know you want to.

They've only gone and done it again, despite the court order. The editorial team at NewsBiscuit have compiled another anthology of stories, one-liners and cartoons covering an otherwise quiet twelve-month period in the UK and outside world with fake news, news which should have been fake and sometimes just something that feels funny. The last bit was aimed at the last remaining GP in UK, just in case they're working today. The stories might make you laugh, they might make you cry, but at least they haven't crashed the economy - yet. We have Prime Ministers for that!

Over 1000 short stories and more than 200 headlines culled from the daily output from September 2021 through to the end of August 2022, all put together in a cynical ploy to fund the UK's oldest and best fake news website - NewsBiscuit.com. NewsBiscuit exists to provide a writing outlet for hundreds of established and aspirational comedy writers and to post a daily dose of humour designed to distract tens of thousands of people from working, restoring the economy or otherwise making a useful contribution to society - 365 days a year, most years (we stretch to 366 days a year now and then for reasons we haven't quite understood).

Our original anthology - 15 years of Typos

NewsBiscuit (newsbiscuit.com) was created in September 2006 by TV writer and author John O’Farrell to provide the UK with the first British online satire news site. One of the underpinning features of NewsBiscuit that still sets it apart from its competitors is that it exists to allow aspiring comedy writers an environment to develop and hone their skills at no cost to themselves, while providing the UK and beyond with a daily dose of satirical and comedic articles and tickers.

A group of six of the NewsBiscuit editors have assembled and curated over 500 comedic articles and several hundred one line jokes that have been published on the website over the last 15 years, covering topics ranging from UK and World news, Science, Technology, Sport and Faith, plus many more.

Hundreds of comedy gold stories and one-line tickers from the first fifteen years of Newsbiscuit available at Amazon in eBook, paperback and hardback formats. Also can be read for free if you are a Kindle Unlimited customer.

Go on - click the image, you know you want to!

When a ‘bad pint’ strikes, remember: B.A.B.Y.

Acronyms help detect issues and enhance responsiveness; as in F.A.S.T. for stroke diagnosis. But what if your mate is about to throw up in the pub? Remember: B.A.B.Y.

B is for Back

Once you hear the, ‘Oooh, I feel a bit dodgy’ distress signal, check for signs of facial pastiness and spontaneous salivation. Your mate might have been lame and sneakily ordered a lager top, so It could just be fizzy pop wind. Patting his back as though a child needing burping will determine the outcome very quickly.

A is for Aim

If slapping the back didn’t generate a comical foghorn belch, then It’s definitely puke. Point your mate away from your pint and new trainers, and preferably towards something that won’t cost £200 to restore. If he’s still upright, he can run. Sprint towards the pub door, a corridor of empathy will magically open up allowing a swift exit.

B is for Bucket

Quickly find a receptacle with an interior volume greater than your mate’s thimble-sized stomach. A handbag is good, a hood is acceptable, a sink or grid is even better. At this point support statements, such as: ‘Better out than in’, ‘You’ve had a bad pint’, and ‘It’s not like you’ - even though it is, should be encouraged as an aid to self-esteem recovery. Well-wishers and bystanders having witnessed the gastro cascade may offer help, tell them thanks, but you’re fine.

Y is for Your round

Wasting good beer is a crime. As recompense the next round after emptying their ale sac, is always the thrower’s. Be mindful that your mate may be experiencing a fleeting false sense of insecurity, and may try to ‘back-door it’. A subtle reminder that it’s only 7:30pm and he doesn’t want social media to be involved, should reaffirm his commitment to the evening.

Next week:

If a fist is about to strike, remember: B.L.O.U.S.E.

Image: Pixabay/aiacPL