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Soldiers to conduct driving tests



As driving examiners are on strike again, and as the waiting time for a driving test approaches two years in some places, the military has been called in to conduct driving tests instead.


A government spokesman said that the soldiers taking the tests will have an intensive two hours training to ensure that they could properly judge each candidates competence to drive. As the soldiers will not necessarily have a driving licence themselves, they will be wearing full protective gear for the test (unless the candidate turns up in a really titchy car).


The soldiers will not have to programme the sat-navs as they will bellow instructions about the route at the learner drivers. The emergency stop will be omitted from the test as it is likely that all yelled instructions to brake will result in one. Driving tests will be conducted around the clock and in all weather conditions, because war isn’t a nine to five thing.


The stand-in examiners will assess the learner drivers using military standards. Candidates will therefore pass if they complete the route without causing any unjustified deaths or serious injuries. Candidates will fail if they cannot drive back to the test centre, in which case they will be required to run back carrying a telegraph pole. Candidates will also fail if they commit treason, sabotage, insubordination, go AWOL or desert the car, or cause unjustified death or serious injuries to the examiner.


These temporary arrangements are expected to reduce the waiting time for driving tests dramatically. This will either be because more candidates can be processed, or because candidates decide they didn’t need a driving test after all.


One benefit of the system is that successful candidates will immediately be offered a job in the army, driving bin lorries, ambulances, gritter lorries, HGVs carrying essential supplies or post vans.




First published 16 Dec 2022


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BBC to relaunch 'Panorama' as sick reality TV show called 'Paranoia'



The BBC says it will be giving its TV current affairs programme Panorama a complete make-over following revelations that reporter Martin Bashir had forged documents to dupe Princess Diana. “Mr Bashir ratcheted up the Princess’ anxiety levels to the maximum by fabricating bank statements to convince her the security services were spying on her," said a BBC spokesman in a suit.


“He did this to get a juicy interview in which Diana spat out streams of invective against the Prince of Wales and the Royal Family, and that gave the BBC our biggest-ever scoop. Now that the truth about Bashir is out, I suppose what we really ought to do is to apologise for his behaviour, promise never to do such a thing again and try to regain the public's trust.


“But we’re going to do something much more fun than that! We’re going to take Panorama, rename it Paranoia, and turn it into a sadistic reality TV show in which we'll be melting the minds of a whole load of other famous people. We’ll lock them for weeks on end in a dark, damp cellar with rats and dripping taps and feed them nothing but hunks of stale bread.


“Every couple of days, an earnest young man in glasses will come in and pass them documents suggesting that MI5, the CIA and Islamic Jihad are all planning to murder them. Then, when they’re on the edge of a comprehensive nervous breakdown, we’ll take them up into a glaringly bright studio, switch on the cameras and just see what insane torrent of demented nonsense they come out with.


“Now, who shall we pick as our first guest? It should be someone who’s already in the depths of despair and convinced everyone’s out to get him. What about Harry Kane?”




First published 15 Dec 2022


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Oil producing nations pledge to use ‘green’ methods for murders




We deeply regret the totally unsustainable way we used to cut up and dispose of the bodies of thse we have secretly murdered,’ said Usman X, a prominent figure in the middle east murder world.


‘The electric bones saw we used to dismember them were powered by mains electricity generated by fossil fuels. This must never happen again and we promise our embassies and government buildings round the world will all, by 2035, have solar power so  we can generate electricity for tasers, genital tortures and other methods of secret coercion and punishment, as well as for deniable murders.’


Usman X continued:; ‘Meanwhile, we still lead the world in sustainability where judicial punishment is involved. Head for head, (or more likely hand for hand)  severing, stoning,  beheading and whipping use far less energy than imprisonment, with its electric lights and heating, while hanging uses the benign and natural force of gravity to do its work, unlike the wasteful electric chair.’


Mr X said his organization was proud to do its bit to lessen the global impact of fossil fuels and he looked forward to a time when the former oil-producing nations shun oil completely and depend entirely on the income from novelty swimming pools and weird skyscrapers.




First published 14 Dec 2023


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