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Somerset cheese factory forced to stop production


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The Cheddar Cheese Company in Somerset has been forced to stop producing one of its leading brands of cheese because it has become too crumbly. Cheese experts say the cheese has become so crumbly since its introduction that it is now deemed unsafe to eat.


One pub in the Midlands that served crumbly cheddar in its sandwiches subsequently collapsed entirely, although in a stroke of good fortune for its new owners, the government is reported to be in talks with them to 'deal' with crooked school buildings in a similar fashion.


Production of the crumbly cheese started in Somerset during the 1950s and proved so popular with consumers that other cheese producers started to make it too. Due to its lighter weight, reduced cost and resistance to heat the cheese has been widely used on sandwiches, as a filler in jacket potatoes, as a covering for fish pie and in more recent years has become popular as a topping for pizza.


There are growing concerns that cheese shortages caused by the crumbliness could hit the ploughman’s lunch trade and have knock on effects for the pub and catering industry. Dairy product inspectors discovered problems with the life span of the cheese in the mid 1990s and recommendations were put in place to make the cheese less crumbly.


It's understood The National Union of Ploughmen are watching the situation with concern. General Secretary, David Furrow, said: 'They say there's no such thing as a free lunch, but worryingly, there may not be any lunch for us if this crisis deepens. It's a proper pickle and no mistake.'


But successive management at the factory ignored the warnings and continued to produce the crumbly cheese.

Part of the production line has been forced to close down and relocate to a portacabin on the factory car park.


The crumbly cheese problem does not only affect production in Somerset but is widespread across the UK. A full list of cheese producers affected by the crumbliness can be found on the Defra website and FarmingUK have set up a helpline for anybody affected by the crumbliness of their cheese.


hat tips: sirlupus; Chipchase




First published 8 Sep 2023


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Overpaid front benchwarmers released in transfer window


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Westminster Disunited’s new boss Liz Truss has made a quick start on refreshing her playing squad during the newly opened transfer window. Firstly, defender Priti Patel has been allowed to leave after behaving like a heartless thug amidst reports of bullying junior players in the past. And in contrast to the no-nonsense stopper, maximum nonsense attacker Nadine Dorries has also been relieved of her irresponsibilities.


Patel claimed to have no wish to stay on anyway and resigned in disgrace rather than be sacked in disgrace. Originally in the first team, Patel found that opportunities to kick opponents right up in the air, all the way to Rwanda if she’d had her way, became limited in recent times.


Dorries was also amongst the favourites of the previous regime although critics found it hard to fathom out why. Appointed to the first team despite a total absence of knowledge of the sport, her role or pretty much anything at all, Dorries somehow held down her place. Whether her organisational and leadership skills only emerged during team social events, or she performed particularly well in behind closed doors training sessions, nobody knows.


It is anticipated that other sycophants of the previous regime will be similarly moved on as Ms Truss seeks to impose her preferred playing style on the utter shambles of a team she inherited. She hopes to bring in some new talent, promote some promising players from the reserves and introduce some discipline into proceedings in order to motivate her whole squad. It looks like she is stuck with Cristiano Ronaldo though.




First published 7 Sep 2022


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Britain appoints bottom of barrel as Prime Minister


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Having endured the excruciating screeching sound of the bottom of the political barrel being scraped for almost two months, the long-suffering British public were hoping to be able to watch the news without their fingers in their ears.


But, like the owners of a missing cat that has returned and sicked up a still-living rat on the living room carpet, their relief at the end of their long ordeal is mixed with disgust at the fresh horror that they are now confronted with.


Some console themselves that you can't get lower than the bottom of the barrel. But excited journalists have just announced that there will be a full week of new Cabinet appointments; so maybe, in this new Britain, you can.




First published 6 Sep 2022


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