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What do you mean, you’ve had enough of the horrendous, sickening news?





'And as the conflict in Israel and Gaza enters its fourth week, we now bring you pictures of the carnage caused by an Israeli airstrike. And we can tell you that they're even more distressing than anything we’ve shown you before...


'Why are you turning off your television?


'Good, we’ve got you on the radio. These are the sounds from inside a hospital in Gaza City of grief-stricken mothers and fathers, wailing pitifully…


'Why are you hitting your radio with an axe? That’s not going to stop the war, is it?


'I see you’ve locked yourselves in the bathroom and are watching a video of an adorable puppy chasing its tail. We’re going to interrupt that to play you interviews with a Hamas leader and an Israeli politician, in which both try to justify slaughtering thousands of innocent civilians…


'No, don’t throw your device down the toilet. We forbid you to do that!


'And don’t light a bonfire with those newspapers before you've read them. Don’t you know how much trouble we take to bring all the horrifying details of this war right to your doorstep?


'We’ll stop at nothing, you know. We’ll hire town criers to shout this stuff at you in the streets.


'That's because reporting this atrocious conflict has made us all clinically depressed, so we’re damned well going to make sure that all of you are clinically depressed, as well.'




First published 30 Oct 2023


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Whole of Portsmouth shocked as Tories put a SCUMMER in Downing Street



After another shocking week in politics that has seen Rishi Sunak, Southampton’s 2nd favourite son (after Craig David) appointed Prime Minister their South Coast neighbour and longstanding football rival Portsmouth has said enough is enough. For years the people of Portsmouth (or Pompey) have referred to their Western rivals as ‘Scummers’, while in Southampton they referred to those in the Naval city as ‘Skates’.


A local Pompey councillor has called for an immediate referendum so the island of Portsea can become an independent republic after ‘Yet another Tory PM we didn’t vote for !’. He might claim to be from India or Yorkshire or that he was educated in Winchester or Oxford but he was born in Sarf’ampton & that makes him a SCUMMER in our eyes !


On the outskirts of the city, Hilsea residents have set roadblocks on the M275 and Eastern Road with military support from Portsmouth’s famous Royal Navy field gun crew. Thousands of refugees from nearby Paulsgrove and Farlington have camped out on the M27 motorway hoping to cross the narrow strip of water on makeshift rubber boats or risking Aqua Taxis to enter the heavily fortified Royal dockyard city. The Red Cross are predicting a humanitarian crisis as there aren’t enough Iceland pizzas or cans of Stella to sustain the local population.


Newsbiscuit sources believe that Portsmouth North MP Penny Mordaunt has been imprisoned in the Tower of London to prevent any attempted coup. Valiant Portsmouth residents are appealing for donations of Lidl & Aldi fireworks in preparation for a bombardment of Southampton using the historic dockyard’s HMS Victory’s cannons.


Local resident Lippy Mush who’d just had a fight outside the Fawcett Inn said ‘We’re not being racist, we don’t care what colour or religion the Prime Minister is just as long as he don’t come from f***ing Sarf’ampton’.





First published 29 Oct 2022


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Miserly London merchant welcomes Christmas shortages if they foretell of a shorter Christmas


is reported that Mr Ebenezer Scrooge, merchant of this Parish, has let it be known that Christmas this year will be much reduced in both its size, and, more importantly, in its expense, and that can only be for the betterment of mankind.


In support of this assertion, he cites the many shortcomings that will befall this festive season, many already reported by this august publication. The likes of poultry and game, pork in its many guises, and amusements for the children.


Mr Scrooge declares, “If small girls desire a little pony, then let them be sent to the mines where they may become acquainted with many such animals. And boys that crave the most recent game of warfare, let them take the Queen’s shilling and have their fill of mortal combat. And what are we to make of hanging a stocking upon the mantel in the hope of receiving gifts from some imagined jolly benefactor? The very idea. Far better, and more profitable for the household, that they be handed a brush and sweep the chimney clean.”


This most parsimonious Gentleman also decries the need for large roasted fowl upon the Christmas table. “In the absence of such extravagance I suggest a simple bowl of gruel. These years past I have found such to be amply sustaining and always readily available. “


Touching upon the subject of the ‘Christmas spirit’, Mr Scrooge became far more animated in his voice and gesture. “Humbug! I have experienced at first hand this Spirit and much good it did me. A thoroughly unpleasant experience where for a moment I was encouraged to enter fully into this seasonal folly and lavish largesse upon all and sundry. Thankfully I was able to regain my senses and put the whole distasteful business behind me, but not before I had spent far more than any man in his right mind should feel obliged to.”





First published 28 Oct 2021


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