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Sewage companies, who have dumped your poo in rivers and seas under a clause that allows them to dump supposedly when there is excessive rainfall, but in fact even when there wasn't any rain, are being forced by a quango to give a bit of money back to householders. This money is not a total rebate, because they have processed some of your poo into non-poo like they should have done, but it is just for the bit of poo they did not do. Even though they should have, because it wasn't raining, most of the time when they dumped. So, you get a bit of money back, but then its going to put the bills up because the money has got to come from somewhere and the rich people don't give it back. So the money you get back, just comes from you, in the future. And they still don't let you put the poo in the river yourself, even if you have a bucket and its raining, and they still don't let you swap to a different supplier, not really, you can just change who does your bill but its the same shit processor who doesn't process your shit. Even when its not raining. And you're not allowed to do it yourself, because ew-yuck, no, we can't have irresponsible members of the public doing that, the law says we must have proper irresponsible utilities doing that instead. Which is shit. (I should call them sewerage companies, not sewage. But I don't want to.)






First published 28 Sep 2023


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Having fired probes into oncoming asteroids, NASA is hopeful they can knock Donald Trump out of his political trajectory. Warned one scientist: 'A large orange ball is heading right for the White House and every time Joe Biden opens his mouth, this lump picks up momentum.'


The impact of Trump would be seismic, with liberals flattened in every direction. Last time he created a crater the size of Manhattan - and that was just the indentation his arse left on the memory foam mattress.


'If hitting it with a probe won't make him budge, we can always send the FBI round again.'



First published 27 Sep 2022


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Fears that fracking could cause the British Isles to crack and sink without trace have been dismissed by His Majesty's custodian of the 19th century, Jacob Rees-Mogg.


After winding up his steam-powered pocket watch, the Rt Hon member for the Eton tuck shop made a statement to the House of Commons. That statement has since been translated from the dulcet tones of Anglo-Saxon it was uttered in:


‘The nearest drilling hole to Mogg castle is some 530 miles away. The only physical manifestation of the 8.9 magnitude earthquake it caused three years ago was a bone china cup plummeting to the floor of the pantry and scaring the wits out of one of the scullery maids. It can be concluded, therefore, that the scientific evidence proves beyond all doubt that drilling holes under all British homes and pumping huge quantities of pressurised liquid along them at unimaginable velocities is perfectly safe.’


To no cheers whatsoever, even from his own side, Mr Rees-Mogg conceded that he wore an earthquake resistant steel-lined top hat at all times, just in case.




First published 26 Sep 2022


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