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Kremlin colleagues urged to give Putin a hug




NATO leaders have asked their counterparts at the Kremlin to do a welfare check on Vladimir Putin.



“He seems a little stressed”, said a NATO spokesman. “We could do the whole sabre-rattling thing, I suppose – we have some lovely tanks and the United States still has a navy, so that would be exciting - but how much better if somebody just made him a nice cup of tea and listened to him? The man seems lonely”.



Speculation over Putin’s homosexuality has been rife for years, what with the topless posing and all the banning of gays – two obvious signs of a closet door just begging to be swung open.



Hugging isn’t yet official NATO policy, largely because arms manufacturers haven’t figured out how to monetise it. The US Department of Defense (no, really, they spell it that way) has approved a $1 trillion research programme to develop the Hugmaster 2000, a battlefield hugbot which will hug enemy troops and generally reduce battlefield tensions. It’s batshit-crazy, obviously, but that trillion dollars will go to somebody’s constituency so it will probably happen.



If nobody can be found to have a cup of tea – and possibly some quite weird sex – with Putin then Plan B is to let a hundred thousand Russian conscripts be slaughtered in a foreign field. It’s a dilemma




First published 25 Sep 2022


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Anal insertion champion accused of playing chess during live squeezathon




The prestigious ‘Up the Orifice 2022’ championships have been thrown into disarray by the resignation of world number one Mingus Carlsberg, just one insertion into a critical game.


‘Mingus made a strong start with an amusingly knobbly parsnip, causing involuntary applause and much empathetic shifting in their seats from the rapt audience,’ reported commentator Dan Fistule. ‘When plucky upstart Glans Newman responded with a bravura Orangina bottle (unlubricated), everyone thought it was game on, and settled in for the long stretch. However, rather than shoving up, Mingus threw down his next piece, a 3D replica of St Peter’s Basilica, and stormed- somewhat awkwardly- offstage, thereby throwing the game.’


Carlsberg then issued a statement accusing his opponent of clandestinely playing chess beneath the table during match play, showing a lack of respect for the noble art of anal insertion. A riposte from Newman’s camp insisted the chess pieces found littering the floor beneath his chair were merely warmup stretching aids, permissible under 2007’s controversial rules ‘expansion’.


‘It left the crowd breathless and tearful, with which, along with severe butticular tearing, we are all pretty familiar,’ recounted Fistule. ‘However, to everyone’s delight, Mingus’s empty chair was soon filled by wildcard ‘Sphinc’ Fillerstang, who, in a dazzling example of ‘reverse plug-play’, swiftly absorbed the chair itself into his capacious fundament. The audience leaped, roaring, from their seats, although much of that can be credited to the array of household items left clattering onto the upholstery. Bravo! Does anyone have a spare donut cushion?’



First published 24 Sep 2022


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Why earthquakes caused by fracking are a Brexit bonus




People are naturally concerned about earthquakes, possibly due to negative press and movies depicting them as being dangerous and destructive, however the Department of Business has concluded that earthquakes are just poorly understood.


The UK currently doesn't enjoy many earthquakes, but thanks to Brexit and fracking, Blackpool, Merseyside, Cheshire and north Wales are in line for a bonus. First, fracking doesn't increase the likelihood and severity of earthquakes - it guarantees it. Now these previously earthquake deficient localities can experience earthquakes first-hand. Sorry London and anywhere else with properties that have value - this isn't for you.


Earthquakes aren't all doom and gloom - go to any recent earthquake area and soak in the urban renewal it generates - out with the old housing stock, in with the new energy efficient stock, sealing the localities net zero credentials. Plus, think of all the disaster funding that earthquakes attract - billions of dollars that accumulate faster than the Richter scale. Those DEC funding adverts sucking the odd tenner out of you will now be redistributing not only UK donations but worldwide donations back to the UK, and we at the department have arranged for disaster funds to be managed exclusively by Somerset Capital Investment to look after the billions that will inevitably flow offshore to the UK investment industry.


And remember - none of this would be possible pre-Brexit. Those interfering Europeans would have insisted on fracking going to competitive tender to all European fracking companies, not just to chums. Who doesn't want chums fracking the foundations out of their mortgaged-to-the-hilt property, eh?




First published 23 Sep 2022


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