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All teams to wear black strip when football resumes



All Premier League and EFL teams will wear an all-black strip, whether they are at home or away, when football returns after the period of mourning for the Queen. A Premier League spokesperson said, 'We don't think this will lead to confusion as long as everyone plays by the rules.'


Referees will also be asked to wear the traditional black, and all players and officials will wear black armbands. All balls will be blackened when play resumes, and teams that can afford it will die their pitches black, hence the expression ‘pitch black’. All players will honour the passing of the Duke of Edinburgh by not taking the knee.


In the period of mourning, balls will be deflated to half full, as will holiday li-los and inflatable sex dolls. During the mourning period all footballers in Britain will forego sexy romps with three glamorous models in five-star hotel rooms that went tragically wrong. Meanwhile the cast of ‘Wagatha, the musical’ will take a week’s break during which Wayne Rooney, who plays himself, will re-rehearse all his dance numbers again.


Meanwhile, Lynne Truss, writer of the hit book about pandas ‘Eats, Shits and Leaves’ has unexpectedly become Prime Minister while the nation was distracted. She has apologised for the use in a press release of the phrase ‘Tax c*nts will save Britain’. A Downing Street Spokesperson explained to BBC News ‘This in no way refers to people who completely legally arrange their tax affairs offshore, so they keep most of their wealth, which somehow trickles down to poor people thus solving the economic crisis that has nothing whatsoever to do with Brexit, which the Queen definitely supported.’




First published 11 Sep 2022


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TV first as pathologist gives precise time of death



A pathologist in a TV detective series has, for the first time ever, given an absolutely precise time of death for a victim when asked at the crime scene by a pushy detective, it emerged today. The news come after nearly 10,000 episodes of dramas in which the pathologist, busying himself looking over a body, and obviously irritated by people contaminating his crime scene, has, when asked the question ‘Do we know the time of death yet?’, responded with ‘It’s far too early to tell, I’ll know more back at the lab.’


‘Dead easy this one’, said Richard McBride, a chirpy pathologist, within three minutes of the opening episode of Waking Vera’s Witness on ITV. ‘Checked body temperature, compared to norms for someone this size and age, factored in the outside temperature. Oh and he was watching the football on his phone and when he fell over after being hit on the head by someone, his body must have accidentally pressed a screenshot saying 8.26 p.m. So, time of death was 8.26 p.m.'


When asked about the cause of death, McBride was equally emphatic. ‘Definitely that hammer over there’, he said, triumphantly pointing at the blunt-ended instrument protruding from some undergrowth. ‘Look, there’s a big hammer type wound on his head, and, well, the hammer is right there with some blood on it, so I’m calling it, ok. Anything else you guys need?’


McBride confirmed that no, he didn’t need to run toxicology reports that would take two days to come back and reveal some anomalies, nor did he need to look under fingernails for signs of a fight, or check for any pre-existing conditions that might cause the victim to fall over after being dizzy and cast some doubt on the obvious explanation about 40 minutes into the show.


‘Right, if you pick him up by the legs, I’ll get his arms and we can take him back in your Landrover to save time’, said McBride to the DCI. ‘Pick up that hammer and chuck it in your boot too, will you? I’ve pinged over my report to you already. God, let’s get out of here, I’m going to throw up otherwise. I hate the sight of blood, don’t you?’.



First published 10 Sep 2021


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'We need to let Truss have a go and see how she does' agrees never in better shape environment



The general consensus is that Prime Minister Liz Truss - stop giggling at the back - should be allowed the time and the latitude to see how she does. There is simply no way to tell how someone will do in a senior role by examining how badly they performed in more junior roles. That's not a thing.


Pilots are always allowed to take control of passenger jetliners having crashed both training prop planes and somehow broken the simulator. You never know, they might get their third landing right. Or at least have a PR team explain why the cabin is a bit flamey, and insist that screaming and dying is perfectly normal on any flight.


She has clearly proven herself at the Environment Office, because our brown and pleasant land has never been in better shape. And since her time at the Foreign Office, other countries have earned a new respect for Britain which has manifested in unprecedented levels of pointing and laughing.


The Crown Prosecution Service are not all on indefinite strike due to extreme under-funding, they're out to give a warm welcome to their brilliant former Justice Secretary. And it is only because of her magnificent work in both International Trade and as Chief Secretary to the Treasury that the national economy is healthy and everyone is so well-off.


Anyway, by far the best thing to do is to install a prime minister who her own MPs generally don't want, who isn't Conservative voters' top choice, who voted against the Brexit she's now all for, who started her political career with another party, and who follows the fashion of forgetting their own name. Isn't that right, Mary Truss?




First published 9 Sep 2022


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