top of page
Search

‘Desperate’ Limbo Contest sees Sunak and Truss Sinking to the Inevitable



Having sullied the seemingly unending summer with increasingly frantic promises to lower taxes, inflation, immigration, hopes, integrity and class, the Conservative leadership contenders have only one thing left to lower: their focus-grouped, aide-fluffed physical selves.


Giving the final two weeks of the contest a carnival air, ‘Leadership Limbo’ sees the rivals battling it out to wriggle under a hastily appropriated broom handle on Great Yarmouth beach, desultorily lowered by two slightly menacing ‘Kiddyland’ employees.


Setting a trademark low bar, Truss’s smirk of triumph at her awkward squirm was slightly compromised by the urgent need to spit out three nitrous oxide canisters and what aides quickly dismissed as ‘probably not a used condom’.


Sunak’s commitment to sinking even lower saw him forced to tearfully drag his coiffure through an impressive pile of beach donkey manure. This lost the former Mr Byrite Southampton 1996-8 all-important poise points, but garnered grudging applause from the excited crowd of confused pensioners and waterlogged migrants.


With all to play for, upcoming rounds can be seen on Sky channel Loss of Dignity 374 every night, alongside political let’s-party summer roadshow programming including Brexit Bonanza Bingo, Hook a Duckhouse, Shooting Rogues Gallery, Ghost Train A Few More Nurses, and Coconut Shy About The Actual Numbers.



First published 27 Aug 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?

















Government plans to give food vouchers to obese people



Health Chiefs are considering a scheme where obese people who lose weight are rewarded with supermarket vouchers.

A spokesman for the Department of Health said, “We think this incentive is an excellent way to encourage those who are overweight to drop a few pounds. Of course, we realise there is a chance the fat b*stards will spend the vouchers on cakes and biscuits - but as most supermarkets display their fresh fruit and veg near the store entrance, the lazy lard-arses will have to walk past all that to get to the unhealthy food, so at least they’ll have had a bit of extra exercise.”

When asked if the government was concerned about the burden of obesity related illnesses on the NHS, the spokesman said, “Not really - have you seen how long NHS waiting lists are now? Most of the fat f*ckers will probably have eaten themselves to death, or grown too big to leave the house long before they’ve got any chance of being seen by a doctor.”


The government is also considering rewarding people who cut down their alcohol consumption with Wetherspoons vouchers.



First published 26 Aug 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















Rubbish piling up in Edinburgh



In what’s beginning to look like an annual problem, Edinburgh City Council have announced that a huge pile of rubbish from all over the country has been piling up in the city over the past few weeks.


Observers say the rubbish falls into several categories, including observational - “I mean, like, what’s that about?”; political - “F***ing b***ard Tory scum!”; feminist - “F***ing b***ard men!” and whimsical puns - “Hedgehogs - why can’t they just share the hedge?”


“This causes a great deal of nuisance to the public,” said a council official, “who can’t walk anywhere in town without having flyers forced on them, or use a phonebox or public toilet without finding it’s temporarily become a comedy venue.”


One of the officers responsible for processing the rubbish, known as “critics”, protested that they were doing their best, “but there’s just so much of it. I saw 17 shows yesterday alone, and tried to warn people about the worst of them. But even with a dozen of us covering the Fringe, we’ll never get through it all.”


Asked whether the rubbish couldn’t be recycled, the same council official laughed mirthlessly and asked “Don't you think they're doing that already? Some of Tim Vine’s gags were old when Tommy Cooper told them…”



First published 25 Aug 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















bottom of page