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Government refusing to confirm Black Death outbreak



The government continues to deny an imminent plague pandemic, despite disturbing warnings and signs that keep popping up.


Journalists are demanding to know why September 1-8 was suddenly chosen to be Black Death Awareness Week.


Households in Norwich were sent an inexplicable "bring out your dead" SMS with the added info that "collection is planned for Tuesdays". However, the National Health Service insists this is just a routine drill to keep people prepared for hypothetical health scares.


"We have to think of a worst case scenario" said an NHS spokesman, who also warned people not to be alarmed by the invitation to download the Report-a-Rat app.


Other concerned citizens have noticed public service announcements instructing them to pull over to the kerb when they see a cartload of putrefying corpses in their rear view mirror, reminding them that "plague victims have the right of way under the 1346 Road Traffic Act".


However, the police have called for calm, insisting this is just "part of our ongoing efforts to make Britain's roads safer and ensure smoother traffic flow".


Meanwhile, in London, council employees have been spotted marking crosses on doors, using a laser to keep a safe distance.


Most alarming of all, Boris Johnson has appeared in public wearing a beak-shaped plague mask. But his spokesman assured journalists that it's "more of a fashion statement, really - a metaphor for the toxic political environment that brought about his downfall".


When asked to comment, Mr Johnson was less than helpful. "Is that a giant bubo on your groin or are you just pleased to see me?", he quipped.



First published 24 Aug 2024



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Elon Musk Vows To Purchase And 'Massively Overhaul' Lego Toy Company



In the last 48 hours Elon Musk has made an audacious bid to buy the toy company Lego. After his recent purchase of social media giant Twitter/X, Musk has set his sights on another cultural touchstone, this time in the shape of the Danish toy manufacturers.


Insiders claim that an initial bid of twenty million dollars was ‘just an opening gambit’, and Musk subsequently made a second bid of three hundred trillion dollars, more than the total financial output of every country on earth. Pressed by a Washington Post reporter on how he would afford to structure such a purchase Musk allegedly called the journalist a ‘pedo’ and posted a gif of himself dancing to ‘Gangnam Style’.


Musk’s long-term intentions should the purchase go through have long been known: he has a history of talking about how ‘inefficiently run’ the Lego toy company is and in a 2019 interview with the Wall Street Journal he is quoted as saying ‘I think people are tired of the status quo with Lego, they want something more, but Lego are too big and clumsy to react to the new paradigm shift. They stick to the whole ‘toy building blocks’ thing, and they aren’t adapting to the rapid changes occurring in areas like military drone technology and nuclear power. I want to drag them into the present.’


Insiders claim his first move will be to change the company name to ‘HawkingRadiation-J9788’, and to start selling the Lego instruction manuals separately. He has already drawn up plans to fire 99.999999% of staff at the company - a move which has been criticised as ‘mathematically impossible’ - and has vowed to install himself as King of Lego Land, a title which does not exist at the company and never has.


Insiders say that the King of Lego Land title is the ‘only deal breaker’ for Musk.


Other plans rumoured to have been floated by Musk include making the Lego bricks themselves less ‘confusing’ by making all bricks monochromatic and identical in shape, and gluing the bricks together so that people ‘can concentrate on appreciating the aesthetic purity’ of the playsets. When asked by a reporter whether children will enjoy playing with such Lego sets Elon Musk shook his head and furrowed his brow, as though the question itself made no sense.


image from pixabay


Author: Saul


First published 23 Aug 2023



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6 bullsh*t reasons for dumping sewage in the sea



You might be struggling to understand why water companies regularly spurt out tonnes of our faecal matter into rivers and the sea. Perhaps you’re worried it might be a bit unhealthy, or that these big businesses are putting profits before a healthy water ecosystem?


Luckily Sir Henry McStopcock, a water company boss is here to provide some reassurance with the top 6 reasons why they simply have to dump their dumps:


1. Too much rain - Britain is known as having quite a dry, humid climate so when it does rain a lot, our little old Victorian sewage system simply can’t cope. For us water companies there is nothing we can do but watch in despair as a frothy mixture of your logs and used sanitary towels make their way into the English Channel.


2. too little rain - Britain is getting hotter and hotter due to climate change and this can result in cracks in pipes in the decrepit old Victorian sewer system that us water companies have sadly inherited, and tried our damnedest to maintain. And when it does rain again, well, as I’ve just clearly explained to you, this is just too much, resulting in a few thousand extra ‘brown trouts’ in the River Avon.


3. Combined Sewer Overflow events - this is a fancy name for us dumping sewage into the sea., so I’m well within my rights to call these ‘a reason’, aren’t I? You’ve probably heard about them as Feargal Sharkey has been a huge pain in the ass campaigning about these - he’s like a floater in our social responsibility whitewashing toilet that just won’t flush away. As he sung in his most famous hit about sewage discharge: ‘A big turd, these days, ain’t hard to find ( a big turd). Huge logs, the lasting kind’.


4. Lorry driver crisis - us water companies have suffered more than any other sector as a result of worker shortages. Without effluent we can’t purify water. Would you prefer dirty water in your domestic water system, or human waste floating around the beaches and rivers you swim in? Neither, you say? Sorry, that’s not an option at the moment. The shit really is hitting the Fens.


5. Fatbergs - You dirty bastards chuck all sorts down your sinks and toilets and expect us poor water companies to deal with it . Did I mention the Victorian sewer and pipe system that we’ve had no time to invest in and develop? You all need to clean up your act.


6. Shareholder dividends - this definitely isn’t a reason why we haven’t invested enough in upgrading infrastructure over many years and why sewage is increasingly being spewed out into seas. What a load of crap.



First published 22 Aug 2022



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