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Microbiologist denies naming parasite species after ex-wife



In response to a recent survey which identified that only 4% of the names of new species recognise women, a parasitologist has identified a new creature to be called susanisa heartlessmoneygrabba. Professor Wilkinson claims that he was simply addressing the gender bias, and the name of the newly-discovered species of blood-sucking organism has nothing to do with his acrimonious divorce.


Professor Wilkinson went on to explain that susanisa heartlessmoneygrabba begins life as an independent life form, keen on reproductive acts and looking for a willing host. The host is then tricked into accommodating the organism which develops claws to dig in to the victim’s flesh. It also doubles its weight, stops all reproductive acts, starts sucking blood and reduces the host’s enjoyment of life.


“Any similarity between susanisa heartlessmoneygrabba and my former partner, or any other person called Susan, is purely coincidence,” said the world authority on leeches.




First published 1 Jun 2022


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Russian advance hindered by faulty Sat Nav



Kremlin officials today have outlined that the Special Operations mission in Ukraine has been beleaguered by an over reliance on faulty Sat Nav technology.


Since February 2022 the advance on strategic targets in Ukraine has been halted by fierce Ukrainian opposition and the unnamed Russian Sat Nav of choice taking their troops down several cul de sacs and leaving their forces stranded from essential supply lines and fully disconnected from the rest of the invading forces.


One unnamed Russian soldier said “its really frustrating trying to invade, when the voice of Nigel Havers is trying to give you directions to Sebastopol in South Wales”, he went on and claimed that they have been directed to Severrnside Industrial estate outside Bristol instead of Sieverodonetsk, Dundee instead of the Donbas region and Keighley instead of Kyiv.




First published 31 May 2022


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Johnson to change deadly sins system to five



The Prime-minister has announced a revamp of what was previously known as the 7 deadly sins with gluttony and lust being removed "as soon as practical, certainly before Carrie finds out".


Mr Rees-Mogg, appearing blinking and ruffled after months of searching for Brexit benefits, appeared to explain the religious connotations. "The 7 deadly sins were thought up by some EU country and it's about time we got rid of some long obsolete so called 'sins' that left-wing clerics go on about."


With lust and gluttony already numbered, sloth and pride - described by Mr Johnson as "good, Conservative values" are thought to be next, although the introduction of "not taking one for the prime-minister" as a new sin is being considered.




First published 30 May 2022


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