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Treasure trove of bread recipes discovered



The world of the ancient craft of turning flour and water into food is in a state of heated excitement after news of a bakery sealed in time being discovered.


In a rundown remote building in Yorkshire hundreds of previously considered lost recipes for a myriad of bread products were found. Investigations concluded the establishment closed for half-day Wednesday over a century ago and never reopened. Experts in the field of carbohydrate antiquities believe the find to the most significant discovery ever, and named the treasure The Ilkley Hoard.


Recipes were found carved into the bakery’s wooden beams, scrawled on the walls and ceiling, and written into a very delicate filo pastry manual with strong tea ink, called The Book of the Bread. The precise location of the bakery is a closely guarded secret, but due to the accumulation of mills, bakeries and bread shops of historical interest the wider area has been dubbed the Valley of the Bakings.


Head Curator Martin Gartside from the British Butty Museum explains: “The Ilkley Hoard roughly doubles the one hundred and thirty seven recipes for bread products currently on sale in the north of England. Recipes previously thought lost in time lost have been rediscovered, including: the Halfwheat Dinkle, Middlle-Oven Whelper, the Knob-Wobbler’s Cobbler, the baguette-shaped Parson’s Promise, and a huge flat barm known as a ‘Coalman’s Cushion’.


“Then there’s the traditional Easter favourite: the Saviour’s Hand, five iced fingers stuck to a muffin with a flake pushed through the middle. Also ‘working’ bread, like the Waterproof Margaret: an edible square bread pouch specifically baked for another sandwich to fit inside to keep dry, and the Lazy Plumber’s Mop: a loaf so absorbent it easily soaks up two pints of gravy without the slightest structural degradation.”


Gartside added: “Alongside other products of protected geographical significance, such as Champagne and Cheddar cheese,‘ Appellation d’origine contrôlée f’t loaf’ status has been awarded to the Ilkley Milkley. The importance of the Hoard cannot be underestimated, and this find downgrades the contents of King Tut’s tomb to little more than the gubbins you’d find at the back of a rat catcher’s shed.”


image from pixabay


Firdt published 29 Jul 2022


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French customs officials ‘enjoying halcyon new life’ in Rwanda



British holidaymakers currently enjoying the endless bucket-and-spade paradise that is the M20 have been given further reasons to cheer as the government confirmed the successful removal of French border Agency officials to begin a new life on the sunlit upveldts of Rwanda.


Reporting on the triumph of Operation They Look A Bit Foreign, a Home Office Spokesperson said: ‘The suspiciously chic individuals were apprehended by British Border Police soon after setting Gucci loafers and kitten heels on British Soil. Organised and efficient, they were clearly up to no good, and while we sympathise with their understandable wish to leave France, decisive action ensured their swift transportation- I mean, deportation- to country clamouring to give a five-star resettlement experience to thousands of traumatised exiles, despite being unable to supply 50% of its own population with fresh drinking water.


‘It’s yet another example of the French authorities turning a blind eye and foisting their undesirables onto our caring, compassionate, humane nation. Happily we were able to pop a potato sack over their heads and whisk them off to RAF Brize Norton for an invigorating flight rolling trussed around the floor of a de Havilland Albatross, before you could say: “That’ll teach you not to get hepatitis, typhoid, cholera, malaria, yellow fever, rabies and meningitis jabs, Sonny Jacques”.


‘Rest assured we’re retaliating in the strongest possible diplomatic terms: Dominic Raab, Jeremy Clarkson, that bloke off the Go Compare adverts and a DVD of Mrs Brown’s Boys are currently rowing across to France in an inflatable under cover of darkness. With a strong prevailing 30-mile tailback, I can confirm they’ve made it as far as Maidstone Services.’


First published 28 Jul 2022


image from pixabay


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Following the success of passport control checks, Loyalty Stamps to be reintroduced in supermarkets



The Government is to insist that all shops stop awarding points to shoppers club accounts at the checkout while they pack their bags. Instead they will be issued with reams of paper stamps which will have to be taken home, licked, and manually entered in to books.


There are predictions of backlogs and queues building up in supermarkets. However, the home office is insisting this would be the fault of the shopkeepers, pointing the finger at staff in Customer Service for “unacceptable” delays. A spokesperson added that retailers should ensure enough workers were in for the busy summer period.


Long delays are also expected when shoppers return to pick up their steam irons, fondue sets and mug trees.


image from pixabay



First published 27 Jul 2022


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