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References to summer of 1976 reach record high



The number of references made by the media back to the drought of 1976 have reached all-time high levels, with commentators warning that such comparisons are likely to become even more commonplace as global warming continues.


Footage of people gathering water at standpipes at the end of streets, blurry images of Southampton lifting the FA cup, all accompanied by a soundtrack of Elton John and Kiki Dee singing ‘Don’t go breaking my heart’ have also reached dangerously high levels over the last few days.


‘People are going to have to get used to more namechecking of the famous summer of 76, as well as lots of poorly researched and confused montages of all things 70s and 80s’, said Mike McBride, Professor of Retro Studies at the University of Lunn (formerly Lunn Poly).


‘Even though it’s now scientifically proven that extensive sightings of white dog turds in the 70s were due to high calcium levels in bone-heavy dog food, it makes for a better story if reporters can link it to dogs eating too many Wham bars and drinking Rola-Cola’.


The current high levels of references to 1976 are expected to cool off later in the week,to be replaced by sone early 80s comparisons whenever the next Stranger Things episode comes out.




First published 20 Jul 2022


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Tourists flocking to Death Valley complain about lack of signage advising of the danger to health


Furious tourists who flocked to Death Valley to experience the record-breaking balmy weather have today confirmed that they will be seeking legal redress after 116 of their number collapsed with heat stroke, 5 spontaneously combusted and 2 physically melted away altogether.


Lawyers have been instructed by several parties to pursue a class action against the State of California after visitors encountered a heat blasted desert, almost completely devoid of sheltering vegetation, and a negligent lack of watering holes for such a world-famous tourist attraction.


Standing next to the enormous ‘DEATH VALLEY’ sign at the entrance to the area, deemed the hottest place on Earth, on the hottest day since records began, Billy-Bob Hillybilly of Fuquitville, Alabama, said: 'I have looked round most all a this here dirt bowl an’ I can quite honestly say they ain’t so much as a Health & Safety information sign. Nor no warning ‘bout the hazard this here place may be to a body, neither. No Sir!'


When asked whether the 10-foot wide ‘DEATH VALLEY’ sign he was standing next to might have been a clue, Mr Hillybilly retorted, 'Well Hell! I didn’t think they was talkin’ ‘bout ma death! D’yer see ma name up there? No Sir! That there sign is ambiguous at best, I’d say.'


The District Attorney for Inyo County, Thomas L Hardy, was not available for comment, but a statement from his office said: ‘Mr Hardy commiserates with the friends and families of the casualties in this incident. He confirms he had seen the vehicles going up in the Death Valley direction, but assumed they from Hollywood, filming the latest movie in the ‘Jackass’ franchise.’




First published 19 Jul 2023


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It's hot



It’s hot, which is weather and not news. Unless you want to put bikini-clad women on the front page of your newspaper, shout ‘Phwoar what a scorcher’ and desperately avoid talking about climate change. Calling a newspaper 'The Sun' seems especially uncool right now. The heat is forcing some Brits to scavenge the deepest, darkest recesses of their wardrobes for suitable clothes.


Shelley Stevenson found some faded red shorts not worn since a girls holiday to Zante. ‘If these shorts could talk, they would probably talk about a Greek holiday rep called Stefanos. I wouldn’t be pulling out of his European Court of Human Rights if you know what I mean. He triggered my Article 69. He really stamped my passport. Nowadays if I'm having joyless perfunctory sex with my husband, I pretend that he is Stefanos. I've got kids, skyrocketing bills and an ouzo habit. I work in insurance. Oh god.' sobbed Stevenson, breaking down.


Gary Grimthwaite could only find a t-shirt from a colleague's stag do to wear to a family barbecue. ‘We were forced to wear matching t-shirts with stupid nicknames. My nickname is Gaz so why does my t-shirt say Slagmuncher in massive neon letters? I work in insurance! I could add umlauts and pretend Slägmüncher are a band maybe? I heard that couple are getting divorced now. She's gone off to Greece to hook up with an old flame - good for her.'


‘It is hot though, isn’t it.’




First published 18 Jul 2022

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