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Face Eating Leopard sets out leadership campaign



Conservative voters were energised today by the candidacy of Face Eating Leopard, as he stood on a platform of face eating, low taxes, and further face eating. Speaking to a room of packed journalists, or ‘lunch’ as he referred to them, he said: ‘I feel I have something to offer the country – which is very specific dietary requirement.’



Already ahead of Liz Truss, the leopard insisted his devouring of noses would be more appealing. ‘Just because I sound and look like a leopard, does not mean I cannot change my spots. Contrary to rumours I will not be eating your face…well, maybe just the once’.


image from pixabay



First published 17 Jul 2022


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Brand styles that all supermarkets must copy or face chaos and bankruptcy



Spreadable Butter


It must be silver, it has to have that special shape, maybe a play on a Nordic dairy theme and boom, luxury creamy butter containment. If it is not presented like this, it might as well be a yellow turd in a washing up bowl.


Spreadable yeast based sandwich product


The classic brown glass curvy jar, more curves than a knife would prefer to get the last bit out. Get some yellow in there, maybe use a similar font and try to hide the fact you have to state yeast on it without images of infection.


Nut and honey coated flakes of corn


Needs a catchier name, but all the information is there. Yellow box, dripping honey images, gratuitous nut pics. Customers need this comforting look or will think it’s bird feed in the wrong aisle.


Tomato Sauce


Top brand sets the layout, they move to plastic, must copy, they turn it upside down, must copy. Alt brands stray too close, and the lawyers will mess them up, deviate too much and it’s weird and scary for customers.


Liquid for washing pots and pans


You thought this level of sycophantic imitation was limited to foods, wrong, you idiot. The bottle has a certain shape and even the colour green gets to be called Original and must be used by all brands. Too many bulges on the bottle and shoppers will drink it, thousands will die.


At least insect shaped cakes are a calm and reasonable area that never leads to court action.




First published 16 Jul 2023


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MPs banned from playing board games on last day before summer recess, says Speaker



MPs willl no longer be able to bring board games to play on the last day before the summer recess, Lindsay Hoyle, speaker of the house, has said.


Mr Hoyle said he had changed his mind because of the rowdy scenes before this week’s Prime Minister’s Questions, which led to Neale Hanvey and Kenny MacAskill from the Alba Party being expelled from the House of Commons.


“They have spoiled it for themselves and they have spoiled it for everybody else,” Mr Hoyle told dismayed MPs.


Sir Keir Starmer was heard to shout out: “Oh my god, that is well unfair!”


Some MPs are keen to display their best behaviour in order to persuade Mr Hoyle to change his mind. A number were seen sitting up straight with their fingers on their lips, and putting their hand up when they wanted to speak.


Also, Home Secretary Priti Patel has launched a Bring Back Hangman campaign, although when questioned about this she replied: “Game? What game?”


However, one civil servant has suggested that Mr Hoyle is using the rowdy behaviour as an excuse and is really wanting to avoid the scenes of chaos when the Prime Minister allowed the cabinet to bring in games last year.


“The Home Office were playing Operation, when the Health Department were playing Cluedo, and the Defence department were playing Monopoly while the Treasury were playing Battleships,” they said.


They added the problem could be blamed on a lack of leadership.


"A prime minister should be able to play political chess but this one can barely manage tiddlywinks," they said.


image from pixabay



First published 15 Jul 2022


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