top of page
Search

Call centre "not experiencing unusually high call volumes"



A consumer has reacted with astonishment when he called a call centre, only to find it was not "experiencing unusually high call volumes" and they were able to help him straight away.


He was further astonished to find they didn't ask him for any information he'd already given them earlier in the process, and didn't tell him anything manifestly untrue just to get him off the phone. Moreover, the email he received following the call wasn't from a no-reply email address, so he actually had a way to follow up if necessary. The email even gave details of something called a "high street branch" he could visit.


"Weirdest of all, the call centre didn't seem to be located somewhere they don't speak English, like Newcastle or Scotland," said the bemused consumer.


On hearing the news, the call centre manager launched an immediate investigation which ended with him firing half his staff and putting the rest on zero hours contracts. He also gave the consumer a case reference number, though when he cited this later he was told their system didn't recognise it and he'd have to start the whole process again.


image from pixabay


First published 5 July 2023



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















Polio in, abortion out - welcome to the good old days


Jacob Rees-Mogg has reportedly paid his apothecary a handful of guineas to release the polio vaccine as part of his plan to get back to the 'good old days' when women were witches and peasants knew their place. To cover his tracks, he then paid a sailor he knows, 'in the biblical sense,' to press gang said apothecary onto a ship bound for destruction in the Anglo-Dutch wars of the 1670s.

A spokesman for Rees-Mogg denied he was a grown up version of the kid from the Omen adding: 'Monkey pox is a good old fashioned sounding illness isn't it? We want to see the return of diseases with names like Milkmaid's Knee, Bishop's Peculiar and Jenkins' Splurge. To be fair those could be real ales too.'

Dismissing the idea a US-style abortion ban could never happen here, the spokesman laughed: 'It definitely could. Have you ever heard the phrase "Northern Ireland" before? If you're English, probably not because of your natural cushion of ignorance and xenophobia, but it will blow your mind and maybe blow up your shopping centres.


'Anyway, many Tories agree with the American Colonies basically making abortion a criminal offence. After all, it's only right that a woman who was raped receives a longer jail sentence for not wanting to raise her rapist's baby than the rapist receives for doing the raping. That seems like the behaviour of a normal functioning society. In any case, a woman with learning is almost certainly a witch. Maybe we'll get that into the next Tory manifesto.'


First published 4 July 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?















Missing Cryptoqueen may have changed her appearance to be like Carrie Symonds



Missing since 2017, around the time that Boris Johnson was made Foreign Secretary in the hope that Theresa May could get him as far away from parliament as practically possible, the FBI has taken a particular interest in his travels in the former Soviet Union and in particular how the disappearance of Ruja Ignatova happened to coincide with the appearance of yet another new mistress in the life of an inherently fallible politician.


Once upon a time, lipstick on your collar might have told a tale on you, but modern forensic science is able to not only tell which lipstick was on your dipstick, but tell from the lip prints who was wearing it.


NewsBiscuit is not at liberty to say more at this time, but we remind our readers that softly softly catchee monkey, and the chances of getting the fat bastard locked up in the short term may be better if the FBI handle it rather than rely on House of Commons procedures.



*UPDATE*


At the same moment our reporter posted this, NewsBiscuit received an email from a child who claims to be the lovechild of Boris Johnson and Ruja Ignatova, and on reading the news that Ruja Ignatova changed her appearance to look more like Carrie Symonds, wants to know if there's any chance of being a special case of a child getting fed under the current administration.


First published 3 July 2022



If you enjoyed this archive item, why not buy thousands of archive stories found in our eBooks, paperbacks and hardbacks?














bottom of page