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Pundits comment on the crisis at Thames Water



Yes, Thames Water is washed up and in deep water and, indeed, in deep doo-doo. All is not well. The company can’t tap investors for more money and all their funding has drained away. The company has liquidity problems and is likely to go down the drain and sink without trace. The current financial problems are weighing evian the Board, which is simply treading water. Past successes are water under the bridge and nothing can calm the waters. The well has run dry. Investors are likely to take a bath.


The company tested the waters on selling itself to an oil company, but oil and water don’t mix, despite the whole oil on troubled waters thing. The oil barons were unwilling to splash the cash and poured cold water on draining the swamp. The idea is now dead in the water.


The first rescue plan has been blown out of the water. The second rescue plan is ‘as weak as water’. The third rescue plan merely muddies the water. The fourth rescue plan is unimaginative – as dull as ditchwater. The fifth rescue plan fell between two stools. Actually, more than two. The sixth rescue plan threw the baby out with the bath water, and had to be watered down.


Politicians think the company is a right shower and have been quick to establish clear blue water between themselves and the crisis. Thames Water are intrigued at the idea that water could be both clear and blue, being more used to murky waters.



First published 30 June 2023



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Mars Rover now better supported than NHS computer systems




Following reports that NASA have 'got around to updating' its Mars Rover operating system, only 18 years since the last update, tech experts in the NHS have considered following suit. 'We knew our Windows 98 software was in need of an update and felt the systems were in danger of being hacked by Nigerian fraudsters,' said a NASA spokesman today, 'so we uploaded the 2004 April patch. It took hours, not because Mars is so far away, but because, well, it's Windows.'


IT experts working for the NHS have concluded that such an update is possible. 'If we update the central server to a Pentium and fit a CD drive we might be able to load Windows 95,' said one expert, musing if the updated spec would be compatible with the industry standard Spectrum computers. 'We might even consider fitting monitors as well, given the ticker-tape machines are wearing out a bit,' he added.


First published 29 June 2022



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Spike in cot sales as 'compassionate' anti-abortion victors welcome responsibilities




Republicans, vilifiers and hypocrites across all the states who consider reciting “footprints in the sand” a reliable form of contraception are demonstrating their commitment to ‘every life matters’ by opening their lives and McMansions to thousands of unwanted babies.


'It’s only right, drawled Ohio Senator’s wife Mindy Windfall, her arms full of Pottery Barn bassinets. 'Having forced millions of women into the physical and emotional distress of carrying babies they are in no position to raise to an unimaginably traumatic full term, we accept it’s our responsibility to care for them after that.


'I myself am hopin’ to be assigned some premature babies complete with prenatal drug dependency; possible severe developmental issues due to familial rape. I think that’ll be just peachy.'


Other charitable matrons from newly-formed women’s group ‘Republican Visionaries In Landmark Empathy’ (ReVILE) are already rolling up their couture sleeves and taking direct action in “invigorating” deprived neighbourhoods like Millington, Tennessee, and Wooster, Arkansas.


'It’s only fair we downsize some of our privilege to help women access a smidgeon of the education, resources, healthcare, respect, self-worth and agency we take for granted - gosh, that is quite a list, isn’t it?' pondered charity polo supremo Ginny Blueblood, delicately picking her way between bloodied syringes and lost hope. 'It’ll be tough, but my husband and I can probably manage with 25 rooms instead of 75. I think that kind of sacrifice will really help us empathise with these ladies’ situations.


'Sadly, Bob was called away to pick up his secretary. She’s devoted to him; confidentially, I think all those late-night meetings have given her that cute bit o' belly-fat. He says those couple of days away at the health farm have worked wonders. Originally it was conveniently just out of town, but due to administrative complications he had to take her over the border. Luckily there was a private airfield: the Good Lord provides.'



Image from Pixabay by MarkThomas



First published 28 June 2022



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