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Vet decides to put Rishi out of his misery


Having taken one look at the Prime Minister's election campaign, the decision was made to end his suffering and the suffering of the voting public. Said the vet: 'Clearly, he's been run over by his own campaign bus and then mauled by a pack of hungry journalists. You can see in his eyes he's given up. It's a kindness to put him sleep, by sending him to the Lords.'


We can all remember Rishi in younger days, when he used chase his own tail and lick Boris Johnson's balls. He liked nothing more than to race after a culture war and follow it down a internet rabbit hole. But that wet-nosed MP is no more and all we have is mangy old mutt, with only his Ministers to bag up the $hit he leaves behind.


The vet explained: 'As you can see, his policies are all festering, his strategy reeks and his core support is just about to drop off. His quality of life in the last weeks of the campaign, is just going to painful and embarrassing. He deserves a dignified exit, something in keeping with his term as Prime Minister – so I suggest we fire him out of a confetti canon, straight into the White Cliffs of Dover.'



First published 12 June 2024



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Retired priest persuaded to take on ‘one last Mass’




He was home free. After a lifetime of saving souls, dipping into the collection plate and running from Satan, Fr Mackenzie finally had a shot at retirement. But the Bishop had other plans. And you don't bash the Bishop.


'It's the Randle brothers. They'll be in town next month. Sinners and filthy rich. Could be our biggest score'.


'I told ya, Bish. I'm never goin' back'.


The Bishop looked around the tiny apartment. 'Call this home? You could be in St Anselm's playing chess with the others'.


Fr Mackenzie sighed. He knew the conversation. 'I'm alone, Bish; I am not lonely'.


It was futile, though. For a man like Fr Mackenzie, the action is the juice. He knew it, Bish knew it. And Satan was hovering, waiting for him to make a slip.


'You live simply'.


'Yeah, well, a wise priest once told me: Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner. Remember that conversation, Your Grace?'


The Bishop shrugged. 'I'm not an Archbishop yet. My Lord will do. This score, though – the Randle Brothers – you could retire a Monsignor'.


He was retired already, but he needed the action. Bish knew it. They both did. He missed the juice.


'Ah, what the hell. One last job, yeah?'


The Bishop smiled. 'I'll bring the incense. Pack your rosary beads Jack, we're goin' hunting'.



First published 11 June 2023



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PM Considering Giving Every Household in the UK one billion pounds



In what is being seen as an increasingly desperate measure to hang on to his job, Number 10 insiders have revealed that the Prime Minister is considering giving every household in the UK a one-off payment of one billion pounds to help combat rising living costs.


The unnamed source said that: "Nothing is off the table in terms of how Machiavellian Boris will be if it means saving his own skin"


And whilst opposition parties and think tanks have questioned the plans, a YouGov poll of 50,000 people has shown that 99.9% of people would be happy for Boris Johnson to remain PM if such a scheme was rolled out.


A spokesman for Keir Starmer told our reporter that Labour would give people two billion pounds.


Author: urbanhermit


image from pixabay


First published 10 June 2022



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