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PM dumbs down ministerial code to make it more comprehensible to himself



The Prime Minister has removed the words "honesty, integrity, transparency and accountability" from the ministerial code, it has been revealed.


'Boris just doesn't understand what these words mean', said a source close to the PM. 'His face just goes blank whenever they're mentioned'.


An aide is said to have attempted to help him understand, but was asked by the PM to only use single syllable words if at all possible as his head was starting to hurt.


First published 28 May 2022



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Superdrug ‘surprised’ to find they’ve been selling hospitals


Following new official guidance that any First Aid kit in a sealable box can be defined as a “hospital”, executives at Superdrug, Boots and other high street pharmacies have belatedly realised that they have been selling hospitals all along.



‘Our value range first aid kits are fairly basic’, a spokesman said, ‘but it turns out that two triangular bandages, some savlon and a packet of sticking plasters is actually categorised as a 400 bed hospital. Who knew?’



Sarah is a volunteer with St John Ambulance Brigade. She spends her weekends at football matches and village fetes. ‘It was a complete surprise to discover that our hut is now one of the Government’s 40 new hospitals. I’m quite proud actually’.



Ministers have reacted angrily to claims that Boris Johnson lied about the 40 new hospitals. Anger is what they have instead of shame.



Conservative MP Geoffrey Buffington-Buffington Smythe told NewsBiscuit: ‘This government is delivering. We’ve delivered 40 new hospitals, we’ve delivered Brexit, we’ve delivered massive cheques to . . . sorry, not that . . . we’ve delivered, erm, 40 new hospitals and a scout hut. Sorry, 40 new hospitals including a scout hut’.



Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment as he’s abroad. Or with a broad, the writing isn’t very clear. Either way, he isn’t where he should be. And nor are the 40 hospitals we were promised.



First published 27 May 2023



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WWF place Conservative MPs on endangered species list


Despite a definite proclivity for procreation, Conservative MPs are believed to be seriously in decline.  While more than 300 are currently known to be in the wild, it is expected that within less than two years there may only be a handful left roaming the corridors of Westminster.  As a result the World Wildlife Fund has declared the Conservative MP to be an endangered species.



'Support the WWF and all the good work they do,' implored one of the few surviving Conservative MPs.  'Donate £3 a month to the WWF to help them continue to campaign and whatever else it is they do with the money.  If every voter in the land donated £3 a month to the WWF then they wouldn't need to run adverts with doe -eyed pandas ever again. Better still, donate it direct to the Conservative Party.  Yes, donate £3 a month to the Conservative Party, starting now.  Better still, make that £3 a day to the Conservative Party.  If every voter donated £3 to the Conservative Party I wouldn't have to worry about working ever again.  Better still, donate £3 a day to me, direct, in a brown envelope to save me worrying about tax,' he added.



A WWF spokesperson confirmed the endangered species element.  'No idea why they are becoming so rare,' he said.  



First published 26 May 2023



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