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Ugly Missing Children to feature on Soya Milk Cartons



Each year, there are reports of 100,000 missing children. This staggering figure may come as a shock to many of us who can only recall a few names and faces. However, this is no coincidence. Media organizations tend to be selective in which cases they feature, often giving more attention to photogenic victims in order to capture public interest.


This leaves camera-challenged youngsters at a stark disadvantage. A spokesperson from the Centre for Missing and Exploited Children commented on this imbalance, stating: “We have to be discerning when it comes to choosing which pictures we get out there. Journalists are looking for chiclet smiles, dimples, a face that tugs at the heartstrings. No-one wants to be looking at an ugly child over breakfast.”


Enter Soymil, a plant-based beverage manufacturer with a revolutionary idea to balance the disparity of media exposure for missing children. “If our customers can stomach soya milk then they can stomach the fugly kids,” the company’s brand manager tells us. “It’s unlikely that these uggos have been kidnapped by paedophiles—unless they have really off-beat predilections—but they might still be in trouble.”


Concerned parents Abigail and Oliver Taylor were the first to be selected for the campaign. “Knowing that there are people out there still looking for our Timmy warms my heart,” Mrs. Taylor says, her eyes welling with tears of gratitude. “Our local newspaper didn’t want to run the story on account of Timmy’s homeliness. It was so frustrating; he’s such a distinctive-looking boy, if you saw his face, you wouldn’t forget it.”


“We were sure Timmy was being held ransom at first,” Mr. Taylor interjects, his arm wrapped tightly around his wife’s shoulder. “I wondered if the kidnapper thought we were rich or something. When days passed and we heard nothing, my mind started to wander to dark places. I wondered if organ harvesters had taken him—the doctors said that they’d never seen a spleen like his before—or that he’d been snatched by an opportunistic sideshow ringleader. His hunch has always drawn a lot of unwanted attention. I’m kept awake at night with thoughts of him being pelted with rotten fruit by jeering townspeople.”


image from pixabay


First published 17 May 2023



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Lord Lebedev identified as third man in flowerpot ring



The Cambridge spy ring, the flowerpot men, has long been considered to have had a third unknown spymaster who had pulled their otherwise obvious strings.


As spy detectives from MI5 have said, 'we knew the flowerpot men were undercover Russian spies all along, with their plummy accents speaking secret code on primetime BBC pretending to be two characters with an affinity for pot and talking rubbish. Obviously this indicated they were aiming at infiltrating the Conservative Party, probably aiming to get the top job. We used GCHQ to analyse their August 20th 1965 broadcast and the supercomputers came up with the following string of words that are clearly codes for the Russians: "flob a dob, flob a dov, lord lebedev, flob a dob, weeeeeeeeeeeeeed". At the time it didn't make sense, but once the Prime Minister fast tracked Lebedev into the House of Lords it became pretty clear. We've got a right dickhead in charge. And Lebedev's the third flowerpot man.'



First published 16 May 2022



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Bill and Ben reboot in jeopardy as one half of iconic duo goes missing



Kiddies TV favourite, Ben, one half of iconic showbiz duo, Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men, has stunned BBC top brass by going missing just days before the much-heralded reboot of their classic show.


A programme insider said: 'We're all gutted as a lot of cash has been ploughed into the new series, but now Ben's gone and jeopardised it all. He was booked with Bill to appear on the sofa tomorrow morning with Charlie Stayt and Naga Munchetty, too. How could he be so selfish!'


It's understood the troubled star had recently been described as 'being a bit down in the dumps' at rehearsals. Speaking to reporters this evening and visibly shaken longtime pal Bill choked: 'Uddap buddap slobbadap. Buddap buddap pobbledap' before breaking down inconsolably.


Little Weed, longtime 'GF' to both stars, something that in itself has been the cause of many rumours that all three are living in an open relationship, has so far remained tight-lipped.


But in a long showbiz career, this isn't the first time that the the terracotta twosome has been mired in controversy; once famously having been arrested at Heathrow for being in possession of four bags of John Innes potting compost when getting off a flight from Ibiza.


Police have requested members of the public seeing Ben should not approach him but contact CBBC instead.


First published 15 May 2022



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