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'Is Rwanda in Wales?' Your migration questions answered



Thinking of visiting the UK? Think again. Britain is much further away then you might have expected. In fact London is situated a few degrees south of the Equator, on the border of Uganda.


Should you reach the UK you will be bundled onto a waiting aircraft, by kindly men with tasers. After a quick cavity search and interrogation, you will frog-marched to the nearest exit.


The flight will last several hours, unless you are dropped in the Mediterranean en route. You might think the bag on your head is optional. It's not.




First published 15 April 2022



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Ukraine visit: Johnson ‘didn't realise there was a war on’



Critics of the UK government are saying that Boris Johnson’s visit to Ukraine has been used as a political stunt to distract people from events unfolding in the UK. But Mr. Johnson insists that he didn’t realise there was a war going on in Ukraine at the time of his visit and only found out about it afterwards.


Mr. Johnson then changed his defence saying that although there was a war going on he hadn’t realised it was taking place in Ukraine. The PM then changed his defence again by insisting the war was not actually taking place in the areas that he visited and so he could not have known anything about it.


Critics later accepted Johnson’s defence by agreeing that he could not have known about the war in Ukraine after all. ‘To be fair….you only have to see him walking around the bomb site to know he new nothing about the war’ said The Guardian war correspondent…..’everybody else was wearing battle fatigues and camouflage equipment while he was mincing around in a Savile Row suit and a pair of Bruno Magli slip-ons.


'Nobody in their right mind would visit a bomb site dressed as though they were heading for a champagne dinner at The Savoy. Once again it is his advisors and backroom staff who are to blame. As ever, Johnson knew nothing about any wrong doing’.




First published 14 April 2022



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Geoffrey Boycott to replace Imran Khan as Pakistani leader



The Pakistani government has made a controversial choice by choosing to elect outspoken former Yorkshire cricketer and grumpy old bugger, Geoffrey Boycott, as a replacement for outgoing Prime Minister, Imran Khan. Mr Khan's supporters are furious that he has been dropped and have taken to the streets, demanding action replays and use of the DRS.


Boycott has agreed to pad up and walk out to the crease and has promised to put Pakistan back on the world map.


"Khan was OK as a one day Prime Minister, or even a 20-20 leader but, on the big occasions, he needed to use his skills better and put in much more effort. He needed more games and not just on Sunday afternoons", he told our reporter.


He continued, "Khan has had a terrible innings. My grandmother could have done a better job than that."


Boycott is said to have already put together a Trophy Cabinet, his first eleven, which includes Wasim Akram, Waqar Younis, and Dickie Bird as Chancellor of the Exchequer.


Boycott's grandmother was unavailable for comment.




First published 13 April 2022



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