Teenagers to be replaced by robots

Electronics giant, LG, has announced a robot replacement for teenagers. The Watt Ever 1 has been demonstrated filling a washing machine at the rate of one shirt every 10 minutes with long periods of just staring at the pile of washing.

Audience members with teenage children said this behaviour was very familiar, when the robot had to have the washing machine turned on for them before it announced it's batteries were flat and needed recharging for 14 hours, Mrs Jenkins was heard to say. 'That's my Wayne down to a T.'

The teenAIger bleeped 'Watt Ever, your Mum works at McDonald's' before requesting '50 quid, actually 100' for 'stuff' that 'you wouldn't understand'.

Image: WixAI

'I'll hold your coat' Starmer tells bully boy Trump

'The UK's official foreign policy is for the Prime Minister to hold President Trump's coat and grin while he beats up all the smaller nations in the playground,' said a Downing Street spokes-toady.

'As well as that, he'll supply all that's left of Britain's armed forces - a rusty fleet auxiliary ship and a couple of Cessnas - to help Trump nab international shipping in the north Atlantic.

'All the while, we'll be pleading with Bully Boy Trump not to flick the ears of countries we like, such as Greenland, and plunder its natural resources.

'Not that Trump would take a blind bit of notice of us, given that natural resources mean money and money is the one thing Trump understands.

'Serving as sidekick to this nasty, vain, increasingly demented ignoramus is Britain's place in the modern world and Sir Keir is rightfully ashamed - I mean, proud - to have led us here.'

Image: WixAI

US Military prepared for 'lush, verdant fields' of Greenland

US Secretary of Defence Pete Hegseth today assured Americans that the military was ready and equipped to capture the rolling green hills of Greenland.

'Our proud fighting men have been supplied with the latest in mobile attack units, perfect for dealing with all the tall grass and small patches of mud that Greenland’s terrain can throw at us.' a spokesman in sandals and aa Hawaiian shirt told gathering reporters.

'We have made sure troops will be able to deal with any hay fever or small cuts caused by the lush verdant hills by issuing plasters and antihistamines as standard.' He added.

Hegseth went on to describe the army’s standard issue cargo shorts and sunglasses for combating the beating sun on Greenland’s idyllic ranges.

When asked if there would be any considerations of protecting the invading force from extreme cold in the depth of winter, the spokesman replied, 'No, you’re thinking of Iceland. Clue's in the name.'

Image: ToppGrafisk - Pixabay