Jess Phillips should resign, just because

Our in house artist has provided this image of Postman Pat's cat and a crosshead screwdriver.

Recent calls for the resignation of Jess Phillips have drowned out past calls for her resignation and a general sense of déjà vu. It's not so much that she needs sacking, it's just that her being a Minister is so damn weird.

Said one voter,  'Do we need a reason to get rid of her? Oh, okay. How about -  because she is a hypocritical performative narcissist. No? You want more? How about - she is incompetent and traitorous. Er, you still want more? Um...well...she cheats at Monopoly. Actually, that last one may be a fib.'

No.10 explained their strategy. 'If we sack her now, then we'll have nothing to look forward to later.'

Picture credit: perchance.org / deskpilot

Louvre gang aims for first sub-four-minute robbery

The four-man gang who carried out the daring daylight raid on the Louvre say that, although the seven-minutes it took is a personal best, they are now aiming to shave at least one, two or even three minutes from their next job.

Gang member Gaston Leroi, not his real name, posted on social media: 'The sub-four-minute heist has long been the goal of museum and gallery thieves, ever since Roger Bannister broke the four-minute barrier in Oxford in 1954 with three stolen textbooks from Blackwell’s stuffed down his shorts.'

Police believe the thieves are likely to have retreated to their training ground deep in the French countryside, and are asking farmers to keep an eye on any outbuildings. The gang has said they are happy to undergo a drugs test to prove they did not use any performance enhancing substances during the Louvre raid. 'Thieves who do that are cheating,' Leroi added. 'It’s dishonest.'

Meanwhile, the truck that carried the mechanical ladder has received a €100 parking ticket and there is continuing disagreement over who will pay. The museum has scribbled ‘Sarkozy to cover’ on a note underneath one of the wipers.

Image credit: Benh LIEU SONG, Wikimedia Commons, licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0

Tories Labour Conference hack goes unnoticed

Tory computer nerds thought they had scored a major PR victory over Labour when they hacked the geolocation service ‘What Three Words’. Unfortunately, no-one noticed.

The correct What Three Words location for the Liverpool conference centre is square.jacked.slammed, which is already slightly amusing. The Tory hackers were able to change the descriptors regularly throughout the Labour conference. On the first day, the location was given as last.chance.saloon, which was later amended to starmer.online.healthcare. Other versions included liar.opportunist.grifter, during Keir’s keynote speech, and tax.rises.imminent and your.pension.screwed during Rachel Reeves’ address. The conference closed on overpromise.underdeliver.disappointment.

The nerds failed to convince any journalists that the stunt was worth reporting, so their efforts were both vain and in vain. One veteran reporter said that it was hardly in Ed Davey’s league when it came to stunts.

A spokesman for the Labour Party said that once delegates and journalists had arrived at the conference, they wouldn’t need to use What Three Words to find out where it was. Although she did concede that some delegates might have worried that they were in the wrong place.

Hat tip to deskpilot

Image credit: perchance.org