Train manager entering 7th hour of continuous talking

Passengers on the West Coast line between London and Glasgow have been treated by psychologists after being subjected to an ‘endless barrage of trivia’ from train manager Darren Jones, 32. Their ordeal started when Mr Jones was innocently handed a microphone. NewsBiscuit sent a reporter on the service, but he had to be stretchered off at Oxenholme Lake District station after self-harming. Here is some of the disturbing content he recorded:

‘. . . sandwiches, hot drinks and assorted comestibles. Please note that Coach A is designated a quiet coach. Please refrain from taking phone calls or making loud rustling sounds...’ (trivia continues for several hours).

Mr Jones declined his rest break and continued talking until the service turned around for the return journey. It is understood that he hopes to be ‘discovered’ by a radio station, possibly Radio 2, where he can continue waffling into a microphone instead of playing music.

We asked Avanti for comment, but they were too busy counting their money.

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Only 98% of Russians will vote for Putin, according to opinion polls

Researchers in Russia have learned that Russians are becoming tired of the Limited Military Operation started over three years ago, are fed up with prices rising exponentially and are quite frankly frightened about the Ukrainian missiles destroying half the petrochemical sites in Russia.  They also are worried about the more than one million Russians who appear to have either died in combat or lost their limbs.

As a result, the polling for the 2026 elections are showing a serious downturn in support for President Putin, with expectations that the 99% support from 100% of the population likely to drop to an unprecedented 98%.  The results of next year's election are expected to be published next week, supporting these polls.

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Panorama releases more dodgy Trump clips

The BBC’s Panorama programme announced today it has some more clips of President Trump saying awful things.

The clips appear to show Trump admitting the moon landings were faked, confessing to being the Boston Strangler, encouraging John Wilkes-Booth to assassinate Abraham Lincoln and telling the residents of Pompeii not to worry as 'Vesuvius always makes noises like that.'

However, critics have pointed out that the footage seems very jerky, suggesting these are different bits of film crudely spliced together - an impression strengthened by the fact that Trump often appears to change clothes several times in the course of a sentence. Moreover, a lot of the footage doesn’t seem to be Trump at all, just the member of Panorama staff who does the best Trump impression wearing a silly wig.

'Guys, this really isn’t helpful,' said leading Democrat Chuck Schumer. 'What Trump actually says is awful enough, we don’t need you to make stuff up. It just encourages people not to trust what they see on the news.'

However, by the time Panorama had finished editing his statement, it sounded like he was coming out strongly in favour of the licence fee, and demanding Panorama be recommissioned for another season.

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