Government housing programme will build houses using Lego Smart Bricks

Houses are to become more Christmas-friendly, since the invention of Lego Smart Bricks. These bricks are electronically-controlled and could bring an end to the idiocy of climbing ladders to decorate the exterior of homes during the festive season.

The bricks contain colour-changing lights and loudspeakers, promising the ultimate neighbour irritation experience; and can be controlled by a smartphone app.

Dick Scratcher, a Christmas-loving pensioner who fell from the 15th floor of the Sunlight Uplands Retirement Home in Essex, whilst putting up Christmas lights outside his flat, says the news got his new year off to a great start; and ain’t it amazing what they can do these days.

In other news, however, Newsbiscuit has learned from a source close to a man occasionally known as Mr Yaxley-Lennon, that an alias of Yaxley-Lennon has commissioned a team of programmers to hack the system and design a flashing light sequence that strobes the Union flag along rows of houses, unless residents pay an annual unsubscription fee to have the union flag replaced by a pixelated ‘A paedo lives here’ sign.

Image: CCheminot - Pixabay

US braced for war against US if it invades Greenland

Whilst the United States believes it needs to assimilate Greenland, by force if necessary, it also understands that as Greenland is part of Denmark, a NATO member, it is obligated to protect Greenland if it attacks it.

'We have troops based on Greenland and we could use them as defensive troops, giving the rest of NATO time to reinforce,' said a spokesman for the War Department.  'Or we could use them to dig in and repel any US troops we're obligated to send to liberate it,' he added.  'It's quite the conundrum,' he agreed.

Russia has suggested that the UN sets up a peace-keeping force and has volunteered to supply troops to keep the Americans away from the Americans.  'We don't need any other UN troops apart from Russian troops,' a spokesman for Russia said today.  'Five or more battalions, with tanks, helicopters, MiG fighters and a few nuclear weapons should keep the peace,' he added.

Image: Barni1 - Pixabay

Convincing fraudster poses as Prime Minister

A notorious fraudster has posed as the Prime Minister, Keir Starmer, on more than twenty occasions, without being detected.

Shoppers attending the opening of a new PoundBeater store in Formby, Lancs., expressed their approval as the doppelgänger PM cut the ribbon and made an impromptu trolley dash through the aisles. 'There's someone who understands the cost of living crisis,' said one spectator, as Keir emerged triumphantly with an armful of slightly bent, but reduced, Curlywurly bars. After the opening, he popped into a local hairdresser's to have his hair re-oiled and lacquered back into position. 'Doris asked him if he wanted a shampoo, but he said he never used it,' said one awestruck OAP. 'He looked just like he does on telly.'

The lookey-likey also went to the darts at the Ally Pally, dressed as a minion. 'We thought,' said a security guard, 'that the PM was making a political statement about Ukraine or something, You know, blue and yellow. He was certainly having a good time, and he was packing away the lagers. When Luke Littler won, he went absolutely ape. That's when we started wondering if the pressures of the job were getting to him.'

The double is also thought to have attended is a recent Cabinet Meeting, after shutting the PM in a cupboard. 'I thought it was a bit off,' said Rachel Reeves. 'We were telling him to make a statement about Maduro and Trump, but he said no to that. We asked him if the kidnapping was legal under international law, but he just started talking about Arsenal's recent poor form. When we asked if we could beat Reform in the May elections, he said 'probably not'. So, to be honest, it was all very convincing and the imposter did nothing to give himself away.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive