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Labour celebrates bringing total w**ker back to Britain

"We've achieved the sum of sweet f*ck-all since we came into office," admitted a spokes-hieroglyph for the Labour government.


"But we have used the little that remains of Britain's diplomatic heft to ensure the return of a total w*nker called Abd al Fattah.


"This is a person who the Egyptians had kept locked up as a public service, who tweets hate speech against Jews and democracy.


"Strangely, the Prime Minister was actually proud to have secured his release.


"That's presumably because al Fattah will be living in Smethwick when he returns - or somewhere similar, a long way away from Downing Street.


"It's sort of sad," mused the spokes-scarab, "that the only power we have left in the world is persuading the Egyptians to hand over a total wanker they would have been only too pleased to part with."



Avatar is a 4-hour opportunity to get to third-base

The vast numbers of people going to a movie that no one asked for has been attributed to horny couples looking for discreet canoodling. Said one flustered teenager: "Normally I only get a couple of kisses an hour, but this film is so long I managed to impregnate the whole front row."


A billion-pound franchise with no discernible qualities, Avatar has been responsible for more unwelcome pregnancies than Boris Johnson at Guide Camp. Outside, as one moviegoer put on her bra, we asked her what she thought the film was about. "Smurfs in FernGully? The Blue Man Group meets Pocahontas? Whatever it was, it had loads of sex in it."


Asked if he wanted a fourth Avatar movie, one man said: "No. As much as I love the films, I just can't afford the child maintenance payments."



Man realises life is a side quest

Jordan Hubbard (32) received a work email on Christmas day, reminding him to get back to the office for his main quest. In no uncertain terms his boss explained that Jordan had got distracted by family and the unfamiliar concept of happiness. After all, his employer said: "If you want to level up, focus on the loot reward. But don't expect a boss fight at the end."


While sitting at the Christmas table urgent orchestral music kicked in, informing Jordan that his destiny was elsewhere. The turkey started glitch‑nagging, saying “You should really get back to the main road.” All these portents were complemented by an email entitled – "Main Quest: Still waiting for you. Anytime. No rush. It’s only the fate of the world."


Jordan was philosophical – "Bit of a coincidence,” he muttered, turning around to go do the thing the developers wanted him to do all along. He just couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling that he wasn’t the hero of the quests, he was just an NPC.



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