Race to become BBC's new chief suit: who are you betting on?

Campaigning is underway amongst candidates vying for the top job in British broadcasting: Suit-General of the BBC.

This prestigious post requires the holder to wear a suit (glasses optional), attend meetings and think of ways to spend the £585,000 annual salary. Occasionally, the Suit-General must attend parliamentary committee hearings and spend an afternoon there sounding tongue-tied while gulping like a landed trout.

Who are you putting your shirt on for this coveted post?

Liz Truss: Not a stayer, and incurably insane, but she can be trusted to produce some stunningly bad news for BBC journalists to cover - 2/5

Jordan, aka Katie Price: has some giant assets to bring to the role - 3/5

Lord Birt of Dalekshire: crisis times at the corporation could see the return of the BBC's most unloveable sci-fi character ever. Exterminated everyone's will to live in the 1990s by constantly croaking about upward vectoring cost curves - 1/100 outsider

Sooty and Sweep: these loveable BBC bureaucrat puppets from the 1970s could also make a comeback - 5/3 odds on

Donald Trump - the chance to talk about himself constantly across the BBC's 4 TV channels, 6 radio stations and dozens of pages online could prove irresistible to the world's most relentless self-promoter. He's suing the Beeb for $1bn, so if he takes it over he'll be suing and bankrupting himself - 100/1 odds on favourite.

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

More attacks by immigrants needed, say Reform

Reform politicians are growing 'increasingly concerned' about the low level of violence perpetrated by immigrants.

'Is it too much to ask?' a spokesman said. 'All we want is a couple of rapes and maybe a terror attack once a fortnight. Just enough to keep the membership growing. You can't expect people to turn out every weekend, shouting at hotels, if there haven't been any crimes committed'.

Nigel Farage is understood to be 'baffled' by the low crime figures, given the number of 'men of fighting age' he has pointed at over the years. 'What's wrong with them?' the spokesman added. 'It's almost as if they aren't terrorists after all'.

In other news, the latest violent incident appears to have been carried out by British men, causing racists to mutter 'oh, for f*ck's sake' under their breath.

Image: Wix AI

'Scientists' create an equation for the effectiveness of fake equations

News based media loves a good equation to look scientific and hide the fact it is just promotional material for a holiday company or skincare product. Our brave boffins have come up with a suitably vague equation to summarise and monetise this very situation.

Where:

x = Content Provided (in clicks/second)

y = Desperation for grant money (£ per second)

a = Willingness for scientists to be referred to as boffins (Lack-of-Shame per £)

b = Public gullibility (Gaslighting per person)

c = Slow news compensation factor (decreases exponentially after each major event)

This is classed as a Pseudo-numerical Supposition and instead of showing working, it’s show me the money.

Image: sjajolika - Pixabay